MISSOURI WATCH: LIFE SHOULD BE GREAT IN '98

What's New Year's without black-eyed peas, marinated herring and predictions?

Sitting one New Year's in a naval barracks as World War II was winding down, I turned on the radio to hear the broadcast of columnist Drew Pearson predict events that would be occurring in the next 12 months: "Before the next year is out, the United States will find itself engaged in a massive, deadly shooting war with the Soviet Union." This was not the kind of news this civilian-turned-sailor was hoping to hear, and fortunately it never made 1946's list of great predictions.

Several years later, starting out as a fledgling newspaper editor, I opened an envelope containing the regular releases of business columnist Roger Babson to edit his predictions for 1953: an end to the post-war boom, widespread unemployment and retail business going down, down, down. It was not the kind of news a starting newspaper editor likes to hear, and fortunately the famed business forecaster was wrong.

So, in the spirit of Pearson and Babson, let's venture forth and make some predictions for the new year of 1998:

ECONOMY: For the first several months of 1998, Missouri's economy will remain on even keel, with retail sales and wholesale transactions nearly mirroring.the first couple of quarters in 1997. Look for a rapid rise in the economy along about May or June when candidates for the U.S. Senate and state treasurer launch their campaigns for the November election.

Candidates are already raising record amounts, with the final total expected to reach at least $1 billion, virtually all of it to be spent in the Show-Me State. Assisting in the economic boom will be the state's new tourism slogan, "Where the Rivers Run," which will account for a 1,000 percent increase in visitors to the state, all of them eager to gather along the banks of the Mississippi and Missouri rivers to watch them race.

STATE GOVERNMENT: After only a few days into the 1998 session of the General Assembly, Democrats and Republicans began competing to see which party could grant the largest tax reductions, and the end result should be a tie when both agree that the state would grant the highest level of relief from taxes by rescinding all of them. Legislators will end the session on a happy note, with leaders issuing press releases praising the end of taxes while noting that some problems may exist later when the state treasury is bankrupt. One veteran lawmaker, hailing the legislative action, will be quoted as saying, "In order to protect my life and the lives of my loved ones, I am resigning this date, and leave the problem of future financing to my successor, whoever the unlucky goof may be."

CRIME: Missouri will discover a way to reduce crime quite by accident, after experiencing extremely high rates at the start of the new year. After creating a building boom in new prisons, officials will suddenly realize that the state has built sufficient space to house every decent law-abiding citizen in Missouri, and so these citizens will be housed in new facilities built all around the state, and prisoners will be released to roam the streets as they wish. One official will explain: "With all the decent citizens now housed in former prisons, we can guarantee their safety, since they will be protected by high walls and iron bars. The bad guys can do what they want, but they can't get at us. We're safe at last!"

PROJECTS: Missourians will see several new and innovative projects launched in the new year. Department of Transportation officials will gleefully announce they have discovered a way to end the $14 billion deficit in the 15-Year Road Plan. Highway commissioners will declare the system "fiscally sound" by adopting the simple solution of continuing to collect the extra taxes enacted in 1992 while immediately stopping all road construction and maintenance. Officials will announce: "We believe by spending not one single penny on building highways, we can fully fund the 15-Year plan by no later than the year 2050, give or take a decade or two."

POLITICS: Two Missourians, Dick Gephardt and John Ashcroft, will have their respective presidential nominations assured by the end of the year. Both parties will later decide to forego the 2000 election. Paula Jones will win her suit against Bill Clinton, penniless as a result of legal fees, and will become the nation's first woman president as a part of the damage settlement. Her first presidential act will be to invite Al Gore to her hotel room.

Believe me, life will be great in '98!

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.