MISSOURI WATCH: HEALTH WARNING: AMERICA'S EVIL VIRUS IS BACK

NOTE: The following takes place in the office of Dr. Uncle Sam, America's leading physician, psychiatrist and social worker. Any similarity to actual names and events is purely on purpose.

Patient: Thank you for taking me on such short notice, Dr. Uncle Sam. The reason I wanted to see you as quickly as possible because I have been suffering so much in recent days that I haven't slept a decent night or eaten anything but hot milk and warm toast since the Iowa caucuses.

Dr. Sam: So, that's when you first noticed any discomfort, about February 12?

Patient: As near as I can figure, that's when I first felt the first pains, but by the time the New Hampshire primary was going full force, I began losing my appetite.

Dr. Sam: Well, you've obviously been suffering for some time, so let's get a few more facts before I start the examination. Can you locate where your first pains struck?

Patient: At first, Doctor, is was a sense of unease, like I was expecting something tragic to happen, sort of like a hunch you have that a state trooper is waiting for you right over the next hill.

Dr. Sam: Yes, I know what you mean. Every time I speed a little, I start worrying about a trooper ahead.

Patient: It kept getting worse, Dr. Sam, and by the time the votes were counted in New Hampshire, I was shaking like a leaf. I couldn't stop my eyes from blinking rapidly and the only way I could keep my face from twitching was to hold it with both hands. It was awful. Whenever I tried to talk, I couldn't remember what I wanted to say.

Dr. Sam: I see. Now, did you ever feel as if you had fever? Did you feel as if you might be burning up?

Patient: Funny you should ask. I felt warm, even hot, most of the time.

Dr. Sam: Starting when?

Patient: A day or two before the Dakota primaries. When the returns were in from Arizona, I had a fever of 106.

Dr. Sam: Are you having any buzzing in your ears?

Patient: Why, yes, I am, Doctor. How did you know?

Dr. Sam: Just a hunch, my lad, just a hunch. How about a heavy feeling in the chest area? Any loud thumping?

Patient: Bingo, Dr. Sam! You described my next ailments perfectly. Oh, I knew I could count on you!

Dr. Sam: Well, I'm glad you came by, because I've seen your symptoms for years. I know what's ailing you.

Patient: Tell me, Doctor, please! I'm begging you! These symptoms are making me a nervous wreck. I have to have relief or I think I'll go mad. Mad, do you hear me, mad!

Dr. Sam: Get ahold of yourself, man. Calm yourself. I can tell you there's nothing wrong with you that can't be cured, and while the disease isn't terminal, it's dangerous and requires proper treatment. I'm glad you came when you did. Otherwise, consequences could be dangerous to your future health.

Patient: What's the matter with me, Dr. Sam?

Dr. Sam: Well, for starters, you're in what we call the Secondary Stage of MOPES.

Patient: MOPES? Is is fatal? So that's why I've been so irritable? Can MOPES be cured?

Dr. Sam: One questions at a time, please. MOPES is the acronym for "Miserable Opinions Pertaining to Everything Salubrious." It's extremely contagious, but fortunately, it only reappears every four years. The last time I treated a case of MOPES was in 1992. Before that, it appeared in 1988.

Patient: What causes it?

Dr. Sam: We are pretty sure MOPES is caused by what we call presidential campaigns.

Patient: How does it spread?

Dr. Sam: MOPES is spread by a large number of carriers including presidential candidates, members of their families, campaign managers and workers, members of the news media covering the campaigns, and virtually every newspaper columnist, editorial writer, television commentator, talking news head, and talk radio host and hostess in America.

Patient: You mean anyone connected, even remotely, with a presidential campaign is a carrier?

Dr. Sam: That's right, except there are a few who for some reason remain immune. It seems that an incumbent president, his family and his campaign staff suffer from a different malady, and medical science has labeled their disease HOPES. That's an acronym for "Happy Opinions Pertaining to Everything Smelly." Generally, however, victims of HOPES aren't as infected as carriers of MOPES. You know the old saying, bad news travels faster than the good kind.

Patient: Can you give me something for my MOPES?

Dr. Sam: Yes, I have the cure for both diseases. It's relatively simple, however I must warn you that both are addictive and you'll have to exercise a great deal of restraint if you hope to get well.

Patient: I'll do anything, Dr. Sam, to get rid of these awful symptoms. I want to save my marriage and my job.

Dr. Sam: That's good. All you have to do is turn off your television set, cancel all newspaper subscriptions, and that includes all weekly news magazines, and toss your radio out the window. Stop listening to anyone or anything.

Patient: I can't do that, Doctor. I'm obsessed with the campaign. I feel so righteous when I support my candidates!

Dr. Sam: Then there's no hope for you, I'm afraid. You won't feel any relief until after November 5, providing you can last that long. Frankly, I predict you'll be so sick by then you probably won't recover until the year 2000. That should be about the time of the next outbreak.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.