MISSOURI WATCH: FINAL QUIZ ON VERDICT IN CASE NO. BA-0970211

Now that Case No. BA-0970211 in Superior Court in beautiful downtown Los Angeles has been heard, we will have our final exam on this historic event. Will the bailiff please distribute the test, which is multiple choice, to the members of the jury. You are cautioned against sharing your answers with the juror sitting next to you. When you have completed the test, please raise your hand and the bailiff will deliver it to the proper authorities. Once that has been done, you are free to leave, and may you find peace and happiness in the outside world, which has changed considerably since you were first selected many moons ago for this historic occurrence.

Let me say before you begin the test, some of you have inquired about your $5-per-day jury payment, and this will be mailed to you, hopefully in a shorter time frame than the trial. Heh, heh, that's a little attempt at humor. Please bear in mind that the gross amount of your payment will be subjected to federal deductions, as well as state withholding taxes, not to mention the earnings tax for the County of Los Angeles, as well as certain minor charges made when you were treated to short bus trips to Disneyland and other places of amusement. If any of you ordered room service during the trial period, these amounts will also be subtracted from your per-diem check, as well as phone company charges for both local and long distance calls. And don't forget your bills at the topless bar.

Frankly, if I were you, I wouldn't be expecting a large check for your services, particularly since the $8,578,019 in bills the prosecution has run up will first have to be paid before any money can be sent to jurors. Should any of you need a small, temporary loan, please see any of the defense lawyers, who have indicated they will be happy to assist you, at customary credit card rates of course.

Let me remind you, once again, that your answers are important and should be given your full attention. Your votes will have a significant impact on the lives of the defendant, his family members, and every hare-brained expert connected with this trial. Remember, you were selected because you were judged to be an honest and unessential citizen who could render a fair and unbiased guess in the matter before us.

Bailiff, please distribute the test at this time.

IN THE CASE OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA VS. O.J. SIMPSON:

l. The defendant is a well known personality who is famous for which achievement?

a.) Spokesman for a car rental company.

b.) Contestant in an airport luggage race.

c.) Keeping a football from 11 big dummies.

2. The lead prosecutor, Marcia Clark, has had difficulty finding a proper hair style. Please give your preference.

a.) Long, wavy and devil-may-care.

b.) Short and frizzy to make her look even meaner.

c.) A blonde, Dolly Parton wig.

3. The chief witness for the state, Mark Fuhrman, is a known racist. In light of this, how did you evaluate his testimony?

a.) More believable because he has raced a lot.

b.) Questionable because he crosses his fingers.

c.) His use of the N word ("Naughty") bothers me.

4. After listening to Johnnie Cochran for a year, how do you rate him as a poet?

a.) If he is a poet, I didn't know it.

b.) He doesn't fit. Should we acquit?

c.) He was a splendid Muse for the Juice.

5. Although your judge has not informed the press, he is writing a book about this trial. Choose one of these suggested titles.

a.) "Behind the Bench, Lance Wore No Pants"

b.) "How I Lost My Step as a Jay Leno Dancer"

c.) "The Incredible, Indomitable, Inscrutable Ito"

6. Kato Kaelin, a key witness in this case, has had several job offers. Which opportunity would you recommend he pursue?

a.) Renting himself out as a human sponge.

b.) Pursuing a doctorate in nuclear medicine.

c.) What he's done in the past: nothing.

7. Another key witness, Rosa Lopez, experienced some difficulty in presenting her testimony. How much weight did you give her?

a.) I'd say she weighs about 105 pounds.

b.) Who was that woman?

c.) Was she speaking French or Swahili?

8. Finally, do you find the defendant guilty or innocent?

a.) Guilty beyond a shadow, even with stocking cap.

b.) Innocent, framed, victimized, handsome. Whatever. Can we go home now?

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.