MISSOURI COMMENTARY: MAYBE POPE COULD END IMPASSE

Last week all members of the Senate and House of Representatives met with the chief actuaries of the Social Security and Medicare systems as well as economists from the Congressional Budget Office and the White House.

The doors were locked. No press. No tape recorders. No notes. A discussion ensued on the budget, Social Security and Medicare. Pope John Paul II volunteered to preside so as to elevate the dignity of the discussion and end the budget impasse.

The Pope: I offered my services to preside at this meeting to see if there can be a worldly meeting of the minds in Congress on the budget and the status of Social Security and Medicare. This meeting is ecumenically political, not pontifical.

Republican Senator: Your Holiness, are we certain that the doors are locked and that the media is not present? Will each member look to his or her right or left to see if there is a journalist in disguise or perhaps under the seat. Your Holiness, This meeting is like going to confession. It must not be heard by the outside world.

The Pope: Please do as the senator suggests. This will be treated as a temporal confession. (Pause) The room is now secure. Proceed.

Republican Senator: I think we all know that Medicare is heading over the financial cliff and that Social Security will begin to have serious problems in 2013. Will the chief actuary of Medicare brief us on what's going on? Please speak in English, not actuarialese.

Medicare actuary: Let me try to put is succinctly. The entire actuarial community agrees that, if nothing is changed, Medicare goes bust around 2002. The fundamental problem is that Medicare, which now costs $200 billion, will cost $400 billion in seven years. Why? Because it grows at 10 percent a year. That means it will double in seven years. We actuaries call that rate of growth "unsustainable." It will be "catastrophically unsustainable" in the next century when those post World War II baby boomers start retiring in avalanche numbers.

Social Security actuary: Let me break in on that point. The baby boomers are one of the principal problems threatening the Social Security system. In addition, there is the medical technology problem. Life is being prolonged and that costs lots of money. Around 2013 Social Security will turn into the red -- we will be paying out more than we are taking in.

Democratic Senator: Colleagues, I hope we all realize that we are talking about some very delicate and sensitive things here today. This is not only a confessional, as His Holiness says. This is like a CIA briefing on the most secretly of national security matters. I hope none of us will blab about this in public.

We have to do something about Medicare pretty soon. I think we can postpone action on Social Security and leave that up to the Congresses in the next century. After all, why should we assume burdens that we can artfully pass on to other senators and members of Congress.

Social Security actuary: Am I allowed to express a disagreement with a senator?

The Pope: We are all equal in the eyes of God. Speak up.

Social Security actuary: If we make changes now, they will be less harsh than changes that might be made next century. For example, we all know that the CPI is overly generous by at least 1 percent. We could save billions if we just changed that.

Republican Senator: With all due respect, I move that the actuaries shut up. I agree with my Democratic brother. I want to be re-elected and I am not going to even hint at the slightest change in Social Security. I do agree that we've got to do something about Medicare. I've got a proposal. We Republicans want to cut Medicare by $270 billion over seven years. President Bill Clinton suggests cutting it by $124 billion. Why don't we pick a number close to Clinton's and reduce the $240 billion tax cut by an equal amount? Simple as that!

Democratic Senator: Look, let's be candid, Clinton is the president, but he isn't in all respects our president. We Democrats don't really want our fingerprints on anything about Medicare. Have any of you smart asses read the poll numbers?

However, I say to my Republican friends, if you can round up enough Republican votes in the House and Senate, we won't delay it in the Senate. We are willing to do something for the good of the country, aren't we, I ask my brethren?

The Pope: On that note -- "for the good of the country" -- I think we should conclude this meeting. Felicitas Anno Novo to one and all. Pax vobiscum.

~Tom Eagleton of St. Louis is a former U.S. senator from Missouri.