LOGGING ON TO MISSOURI'S CAMPAIGN 2000: IT TAKES TALENT TO GORE A BUSH...

Today I stand before you, fellow Missourians, to declare myself a candidate for public office, one who is dedicated to the promise, prosperity and progress of our great state government, and one who stands ready to make every sacrifice known to man (and woman). As the late, great Barry Goldwater so eloquently noted nearly four score years ago, "Extremism in the defense of the common man is rare these days and moderation in the pursuit of justice is ever rarer still." Or something like that.

As overcome as I'm certain you are by this declaration of candidacy, perhaps some of you are already asking the next question: "What office is that fool running for?" Or something like that. I'm glad you asked, since it touches to the heart of my becoming a candidate, and the answer is quite simple: I intend to seek any public office that I believe I have the slightest chance of winning. There's a very good explanation for this kind of clever electoral strategy and I'll get back to you with details as soon as my staff is able to create them.

Frankly, my fellow citizens, I have long harbored a keen desire to enter public service, thereby overcoming one of my principal life challenges that have been so brilliantly outlined over the years in numerous position papers written by my long-time physician, friend and psychiatrist, Sir Reberal Cortex. It was this same distinguished shrink who first noted that one of my greatest goals in life was to be recognized by every person in group therapy, thereby thwarting the long-standing predictions of my parents that I would never amount to a hill of beans unless the price fell to below 1929 levels. Similar views, although delivered in less succinct terms, have long been held by the parents of my loyal, supportive and long-suffering wife and other close relatives and friends. To have lived this long and endured the shame and tribulation of anonymity has been commonplace in my family far too long, a skein broken only by a fourth cousin who once appeared on television's "Dating Game" and was later charged with sexual assault. Boy, talk about recognition.

Let me assure my loyal followers and those now waiting to join the parade that my candidacy will make a difference in their lives. I recognize that millions of Missourians are waiting for new, fresh, creative, inexpensive ideas that can be introduced into our state government with absolutely no cost, effort or sacrifice on the part of anyone. Perhaps my opponents will charge that I am simply pandering to the laconic indifference of modern-day citizens, but I say nonsense. Citizens do care about the quality of services they receive, particularly if they are delivered prepaid to their doorstep and require no effort or expense to receive. For those who want their services tomorrow, if not today, and who believe no effort should be required, I am pleased to inform you that our campaign has already purchased a used UPS truck and we will require all state employees to wear a standard uniform closely resembling the smart costumes of UPS drivers to aid in immediate recognition by our consuming constituency.

Not only will my administration provide cheap services, requiring no effort and absolutely no thought, but we will render any service, improvement, program or benefit desired by all citizens of our state. If your family has a particular need, if some member of your family desperately wants a service that can be provided or if you inexplicably have a yen for friend country ham served on a cheese-saturated croissant, all you will need to do is call my office's 800 number, which will be distributed to those who voted to put me in a position of unlimited power and privilege, not to mention paid vacations, generous pension payments and free stamps. My opponents will no doubt accuse me of pandering to the public, but as Barry Goldwater brilliantly stated in his farewell address to retiring Goldwater Department Store employees, "Moderation in the pursuit of votes is no virtue even when it's against the law."Not only will my office deliver free services to your doorstep at no cost to anyone, we will establish e-mail connections with every household in the state, thus placing at each taxpayer's disposal the ability to study the numerous details of any public service or program. While there may be limited interest in such pursuit, our networking system will also permit Missouri investors to purchase stocks, bonds, debentures and Irish Sweepstakes tickets 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, allowing them to become overnight millionaires, even billionaires, all attributable to my office's desire to cater to the whims of nerds, nerd-wannabes and those interested in downloading extremely erotic pictures, movies and other goodies. As my brilliant campaign manager observed just the other night during one of our many planning sessions held at Al's Grille and Bar and Tavern, "If the public gets interested in exciting subjects, they won't touch the humdrum details of how their tax money is being spent." We'll get back to you on the exciting details. Trust me.

You'll be happy to know my campaign people are also kicking around some other new and exciting programs for good, honest, God-fearing Missourians. No promises, mind you, but we're thinking about installing slot machines next to every ATM in the state, since there's no reason government shouldn't get its share of bank profits, and some of the best minds on my staff are considering a plan to distribute tests to every child in the state to increase our school achievement scores.

So stay tuned, get out your credit cards and log on to Campaign 2000. I think you'll like our new campaign slogan: "Let's Be Blunt: It Takes Talent to Gore a Bush or Cook on Clay." We're not exactly certain what this means, but we'll get back to you when we do. In fact, you can make Bond on it.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.