IF HAMLET PONDERED RIVERBOAT GAMBLING

Like many of my fellow citizens in Cape Girardeau, I've been thinking recently about craps.

While an uncustomary way to pass the time, musing over the riverboat gambling issue supplies an ideal environment for prophesy. In our minds, we picture this fair city at the millennium and beyond ... and how it will fare as a result of the decision to be made June 8.

Alternately, we foresee a city of enhanced prosperity or one of moral indifference. I believe that's the position many of us find ourselves in, wrestling with an issue of considerable significance for Cape Girardeau and whose arguments are strong on both sides.

Generally, the campaign has fallen into familiar step with hyperbole. The carrot and stick of proponents includes assured prosperity, civic benevolence and a bit of Las Vegas flash. Swallowing all this may lure us to revise the community's nickname from "City of Roses" to "Rosy Scenario."

On the other hand, opponents are occasionally given to the shrill declarations of the vigilant trying to slap some sense into heathens. One can picture Professor Harold Hill chortling a battle cry:

Oh, we've got trouble,

Right here in River City.

That's a capital "T"

And that rhymes with "B"

And that stands for boat.

Next thing you know, there'll be a call for an all-boys band.

I was amused recently at a television news team's call-in survey about the first 100 days of the Clinton administration. The station provided a 900 number, meaning participants were charged for the calls. Even with this, the news staff reported the results as having "one percent undecided."

Consider this: Someone had gone to the phone, called the number, said they didn't know whether the first 100 days had been good or bad ... and spent money to do it.

In a sense, however, I offer little more decisiveness with this writing, neatly stacking pros and cons into one package without the courtesy of arriving at a conviction. (Hey, I have until June 8.)

Were Hamlet to live in modern Cape Girardeau, this might be his thought process. (He, however, would do it in verse.)

Pro

Does anyone else get tired of fellow citizens instructing them on morality? I have a societal responsibility to behave myself and raise my children right, and beyond that I have no inclination to force my moral standards on others. If I fulfill my personal obligation, no floating roulette table will disturb my conscience.

Con

This is about tourism and economic development, right? Missouri's foremost success story in this regard is Branson, a boom town that fosters family-style entertainment and wants nothing to do with gambling. (In fact, the most recent Las Vegas influence in that town, my namesake Wayne Newton, has been criticized this week for "vulgarity" in his act.) Are we missing the hint here?

Pro

Since when have we been against free enterprise? The interested developer in this case isn't muscling Cape Girardeau for tax incentives, free land or infrastructure; he just wants permission to set up shop, conduct a business that is now legal in Missouri, attract thousands of people to the city, put local citizens to work and invest what is the dollar equivalent of two Show Me Centers in physical improvements.

The developer is betting on himself to attract people from other riverboats by believing he can do the job better. And if it doesn't work, the risk all belongs to the developer.

Con

Riverboat gambling, like the lottery before it, is a governmental gimmick, a follow-the-leader maneuver approved by desperate legislators who exhausted citizens on other avenues of taxation. And just like the "voluntary tax" collected through the lottery didn't solve the problems of education, the voluntary revenue supplied by riverboat gambling will not be the elixir necessary to cure Cape Girardeau's capital improvement needs.

Pro

Opponents of this measure say riverboat gambling here will put temptation close at hand. Scary thought. But if you're getting into the business of eliminating temptation, you better decide to cover all cleavage, prohibit fast cars and ban the production of most anything made of chocolate.

And close the bars. Addiction to alcohol destroys far more lives in this country than addiction to gambling, yet a ballot measure to close the doors of every fern bar or beer joint in Cape Girardeau wouldn't stand a chance. If anything, this election should demonstrate the selectivity of temptations we abate.

Con

In a way, Cape Girardeau faces an "Indecent Proposal"-type dilemma. In that movie, a woman faced the question of whether she would do something ordinarily unconscionable (commit adultery) in return for an exorbitant sum of money. As you face this vote, ask yourself this question: If the money weren't a factor, would you want riverboat gambling in Cape Girardeau?

Pro

Isn't it great the community has taken such an active interest in this economic development issue. Wouldn't it be great if opponents would expend similar energy in the attraction of some industry they approve of.

Con

Do you know what they call a gambling venue that lets its customers win most of the time? It's called "Closed." This is a curious business we're seeking, one that attracts losers. If the vote is affirmative June 8, maybe signs can be placed at the city limits saying "Welcome to Suckersville."

There you have it, my ponderings, either visionary, morally bankrupt or deeply confused, written with the assurance of making just about everybody mad and guaranteeing no invitations to either casinos or the homes of decent folks.