If at first you don't succeed, try something not so ad hoc

Albino deer in Cape Girardeau have touched off a wave of emotional discourse. Some participants in the discussion go so far as to suggest special protection for the animals.

Given the fact not everyone is a deer lover, albino or not, there doesn't seem to be a quick fix for the Let's Save Everything With Pink Eyes Alliance.

Solution: We need a thick, unreadable report from a consultant.

First, let's back up for a minute. On the front page of Tuesday's Southeast Missourian was a photograph of one of Cape Girardeau's albino deer. Even the velvet on the buck's horns is white. It's easy to see why so many folks ooh and aah over these freak animals.

Even more amazing, however, were the photos posted on the newspaper's website, semissourian.com. There were some outstanding reader-submitted photos of albino fawns and bucks, clearly showing that the odds of having even more albinos in the future look pretty solid.

The photos didn't stop with deer. Who knew we were the home of albino birds, groundhogs and -- are you ready for this? -- fish.

Go look for yourself. You will be amazed.

But pretty pictures of albino fauna will not save these oddities from the most dangerous animals of all: human beings. One of the online photos is a pretty standard picture of a kid proudly posing with his dead deer, which just happens to be albino.

This has led some of our citizenry to suggest that albino deer -- and, I would hope, other weird animals -- should have special protection. It should be, they say, illegal to "harvest" any of the white ones.

Before a citywide vote a while back in which a Cape Girardeau majority said no to in-town hunting to control the growing deer population, there were emotional outpourings regarding the white-tailed marauders. There were reports from the Missouri Department of Conservation. There were anecdotes from bow hunters itching to bring down a herd of potential venison.

I mean, if you can play golf on city streets, why not an occasional deer hunt?

What was missing -- and still is -- is that obvious answer to everything marginally or potentially controversial: a consultant's report.

The city hires consultants all the time. Do we need a new police station? Let's spend $100,000 to find out, even though almost anyone in town, for free, could have supplied a quick answer: yes.

Do we need to do something about county government facilities? Let's spend $100,000 to find out, even though anyone in Jackson could have responded, for free: yes, in uptown Jackson, and Cape Girardeau can keep its grubby mitts to itself.

I'll bet there are a bunch of knotty questions that deserve a full-blown consultancy. Look at how many projects are languishing because we haven't spent a dime to let someone who doesn't even live here to tell those of us who do what we should do with our tax dollars. Ka-Ching! That will be $100,000, please.

I have an idea. Instead of shelling out $100,000 here and $100,000 there, why don't we name a new committee? The only thing better than a consultant, that I can think of, is a committee.

Let's call it the Omnibus All-Purpose Consultant Committee. The OAPCC. A totally useless acronym to go along with the totally useless purpose for the committee in the first place.

Well, not entirely useless. The OAPCC would churn out reports faster than we can mow down trees to make the paper they are printed on. Each report would include pretty much the same drivel, but the cover sheet would be unique to every situation.

This will cut way down on costs. You could probably get a decent OAPCC for under $50,000 a year (it would need an executive director, of course), including a pretty plastic binder for any and all reports.

So, if we want to save the albino deer and protect the albino catfish, let's get going on the OAPCC. Time's a-wasting, not to mention all those tax dollars that keep disappearing in $100,000 chunks.

All in favor? You know what to do.

Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.