I can help, but I can't do everything by myself

Poor IRS.

The tax folks issued an appeal this week. The nabobs of Internal Revenue -- governmentese for taxation -- said not to send any more checks for more than $99,999,999.99.

I don't know about you, but I'm guessing it will be at least a couple more years before I have to worry about this.

And what's to worry about? If I owed the IRS $100 million or more, I'd still have enough left for a good lunch and a haircut, right?

The problem with the IRS, or at least the latest problem to get attention, is that its check-swallowing machinery isn't set up to handle checks for amounts larger than $100 million. So these checks have to be processed by hand.

OK.

How big a chore is it to process these checks manually? The IRS said it gets, on average, about 14 of these checks a year. Stay with me while I do the math, but this comes out to one check a month plus two more in April.

This is a problem? Really?

One way to make the lives of IRS folks easier, it appears, would be to put a lid on taxation. The easiest way to avoid checks that are too big to handle is to make the biggest possible tax bill come out no larger than $99,999,999.99. End of problem.

But, no, the IRS doesn't quite see it that way. Those folks still want much of what you earn, and then some. They still want full payment for tax returns showing someone owes more than $100 million.

A lot of folks in this low-oxygen altitude of taxation pay their taxes electronically. This avoids the apparently urgent problem of big handwritten checks. Good for them. They are showing a spirit of cooperation that makes us proud to be Americans.

But let's go back to that number of taxpayers who write checks for more than $100 million each year: 14.

I'll tell you what, IRS. Since you are way too swamped to process these checks, send them to me. I'll have the U.S. Postal Service send you my address. You should get it in a few weeks. Then we'll be all set for me to start processing your megachecks for you.

Is it OK if I deposit those checks in my personal account for safekeeping? I think that would be a good thing to do. Then I'll write you a bunch of little checks that you can handle with your limited system. That makes sense, doesn't it? I'll try to get those little checks out to you ASAP, but, you know, handling all those $100 million-plus checks will be pretty overwhelming for a fellow who can barely use the fancy adding machine he bought last year. The salesperson said it subtracts, too. We'll see.

I'll admit that the IRS situation with large checks isn't the end of the world. But it does make you wonder, doesn't it, what other icebergs we are just now seeing the tips of.

Are we about to learn that the Department of Agriculture is being brought to its knees by too many cows to count?

Are there too many trees for the U.S. Forest Service to keep track of?

Will the Census Bureau throw up its hands and say there are too many Americans -- legal ones -- to count?

Oh, sorry about that last one. That's already happened.

Here's the good news: If 14 checks a year is the biggest problem the IRS has, we're in mighty fine shape. Any other problem would likely fall into the "How many paper clips do we have?" category.

I'm looking forward to getting my first big check from the IRS. At least it's something to look forward to.

What about those poor lottery winners in Illinois who can't get their checks because the Land of Lincoln doesn't have a budget and can't write big checks?

Sorry, I can't help with that. I can't solve all the problems. I could use a little help here.

Anyone?

Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.