Holiday hugs: Let kids say no

Understanding consent starts at home, and the holiday season is a good time to visit the fundamentals and practice personal boundaries. We tell kids, "Keep your hands to yourself." But we also need to teach kids that affection is not mandatory. They don't have to hug that relative they only see during the holidays. They can and should say no when they don't want to.

There's an old nursery rhyme that's perfect for talking to young kids about consent.

"Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie / Kissed the girls and made them cry / When the boys came out to play / Georgie Porgie ran away."

I ask my son questions about Georgie. We talk through what happened in this story. Why did the girls cry? Because George didn't ask for those kisses first. Why did Georgie run away? Because he was embarrassed or told to leave. I started this conversation with my son when he was 3 years old using the nursery rhyme to guide us.

Everyone has witnessed the relative who wants a hug or a kiss, but the young child shrinks away to avoid unwanted affection. We've also all seen the manipulative relative who pretends to cry when this happens. But affection is not something that should be given in the name of being polite or in order to spare someone's feelings of rejection.

Hugs and kisses are intimate and warm. It's OK for children to know that affection is special and that they get to decide who receives their hugs and kisses. And just because a child is adorable doesn't mean that child owes anyone anything.

Doesn't this all sound familiar?

It should. Just because a teen is cute or a grown woman is strikingly beautiful doesn't mean they owe anyone a date or a kiss or anything else. Kids should learn bodily autonomy early, and sometimes it starts with the pushy grandma who thinks she's entitled to a kiss on Christmas Eve.

No. No, she's not.

Help your kids develop a way out. When Uncle Bill wants a hug and your kids start squirming because they don't want to give Uncle Bill a hug, offer an alternative that also helps your child set boundaries. Suggest a high-five, a handshake or a wave "hello" instead. I don't care if your child just gave their favorite Uncle Jessie or Cousin Sarah a ginormous, enthusiastic hug; they don't owe anyone else the same. Affection is given when a person wants to offer it — not on demand, not because it's Christmas, not because someone asked and certainly not to spare someone's feelings.

If a relative puts on the fake waterworks or starts with the "pretty please?" routine, help your kids find the words to set boundaries. They can simply say, "I don't want to" or "I'm not comfortable with that." And parents, don't let that embarrass you. We've all seen the kid who was forced to hug or kiss a relative and we all know it's forced.

Talk to your kids ahead of time. Develop respectful options for saying "hello" and "goodbye" as well as ways for saying no to requests for unwanted physical affection.

Consent starts at home. You're allowed to say no, regardless of how old you are and who is making the request. Empower kids to choose who receives their affection. Give them the tools to do so respectfully and effectively. It will equip them for when a not-so-innocent affection request is made by a Harvey Weinstein type down the road.