Heavenly days, it's apple butter time

Has the world got you down? Do the words "global financial crisis" make your teeth ache? Does your arthritis kick up when you read about golden parachutes for failed executives? Are you mad enough to kick the dog?

If so, my friends, it's time to make some apple butter.

Nothing soothes the torments of our lives like a hot buttered biscuit smothered in apple butter made right in your very own kitchen.

All your cares go flying out the window when you enjoy the latest batch of your homemade apple butter. Do not be fooled by store-bought substitutes, which should only be eaten during wartime rationing. It's the fresh apple butter you created right on your very own Formica countertop that heals all wounds, soothes the fevered brow and makes you talk nice about your in-laws.

Apple butter, my dear readers, is not just a special blend of fresh, juicy autumn fruit, sugar, cinnamon, vinegar and salt. Apple butter is what God would have fed Moses and his wandering band if he had owned a Crock-Pot.

Remember that apple in the Garden of Eden? It got Adam and Eve in such a mess -- which could have easily been avoided if Eve had only been thinking "apple butter" instead of "knowledge of good and evil." It's a biblical fact that any apple turned into apple butter won't get anyone kicked out of the garden. Look it up. It's all right there in Genesis something or other.

Already I can hear some of you mumbling with a mouth full of Cheerios about how hard it is to make apple butter.

Not so. And we have a bunch of Methodist women to thank for that.

For goodness knows how long, making apple butter has involved building a fire under a humongous outdoor pot or spending hours tending a stovetop kettle. But then came one of the most amazing decades in history, the 1960s. Remember? There wasn't anything America couldn't do in the 1960s, including inventing a plug-in slow cooker that eventually became a Crock-Pot. There are other brands of slow cooker, but today we're going to be referring to Crock-Pots, because it's part of the history of apple butter-making and those Methodist women I mentioned.

Bear with me. For years the women of the Methodist church in my wife's hometown raised money by compiling and selling recipe books. My wife's mother, her grandmother and her aunt were regular contributors.

When Rival built a factory in my wife's hometown 50-plus years ago, it didn't take long before just about every household had a Crock-Pot of its own. One of the first beneficiaries was the Methodist cookbook, which soon featured recipes adapted to the new appliance.

It didn't take the crafty Methodist women long to figure out that apple butter could be produced in a Crock-Pot without a lot of tedious tending. Lo, the apple butter recipe I am about to share with you. Again.

Apple Butter

Wash, quarter and core (no peeling necessary) a lot of apples -- enough to fill your slow cooker. In a large bowl, mix the apples with 4 cups of sugar, 1/4 cup of vinegar and 1 1/2 teaspoons of salt. Put the apples in your slow cooker set on high. Let the apples cook until they are dark brown. This may take hours. Try turning the slow cooker on when you go to bed. The apples should be about ready when you get up. Push the cooked apples through a colander. Add 1 teaspoon of cinnamon and mix. Return the apples to the slow cooker and cook for another hour or so. Put in jars while hot. (The Methodist women topped the jars with melted paraffin, but I don't know if that's necessary -- particularly if you eat the apple butter as fast as I think you will.)

Enjoy.

R. Joe Sullivan is the editorial page editor of the Southeast Missourian.