HARK! IS THAT SANTA CLAUS I SEE ONLINE?

Sometime between the end of the collegiate football season and the Super Bowl, America turns to another contest of strength, formerly known as Christmas, although in recent years it has unofficially been labeled giftexchanging.com.

Like virtually every other activity now known to man, we have at last succeeded in transforming this magnificent holiday period into a catastrophic cacophony of computerized chaos. For all I know, children no longer write letters to Santa, preferring to e-mail the old gentleman their wishes and wants. And don't forget the Pokemon, man.

I suppose this traumatic transformation could have been predicted, given our long and glorious history of commercializing the most significant event in Christian history, converting it into a commercialized circus that includes such perverse side effects as the peak human-depression period, the most prevalent time-for-divorce era and the not surprising bankruptcy for anyone who buys winter wheat on the margin.

Our forefathers delivered Christmas to us in its traditionally proper form: a quiet time for family to gather and worship their Creator, exchange a few simple gifts and then partake of traditions that had been handed down for centuries of generations. It was a quiet and religious moment in our lives, interrupted not once by electronically-produced carols and massed zither bands. It's been so long since any of us have heard a Yuletide fa-la-la-la-la without a twanging electronic guitar that we are startled when we run across a Christmas carol sung a cappella, hearing it as if for the first time and struck by its sheer beauty and majesty.

Speaking of music, I hope Congress will someday ban all such recorded music in stores. These beautiful songs are much too good to be used to persuade shoppers that they can afford every gift in a store. If a retailer had a band of school kids singing or live musicians, this would be acceptable under my proposed bill although playing the same song twice during any 15-minute period would be considered a first-class felony.

I know the National Rifle Association has forbidden us from banning assault weapons at our children's schools but couldn't we at least keep all Christmas advertising from occurring until the day after Thanksgiving? I received my first catalog from the North Pole this year in August.

Every year Christmas trees by the tens of thousands are cut and then peddled from trucks parked on vacant lots, with sometimes dozens of trees unsold after the final hour. When they don't sell they're burned or dumped, their only memory a cloud of dark smoke on the horizon. There's no sadder sight then a lot of full of unsold trees the day after the holiday, trees who lives were shortened unnecessarily.

Let's prohibit the use of any photo, drawing or caricature of Santa Claus in all forms of advertising. Santa was never meant to be a salesman. It lessens his believability when he's used as a part of an ad campaign to sell more toasters, hair dryers or battery-operated toothbrushes.

The Advertising Council should encourage recipients of gifts to give their presents a chance before rushing the day after Christmas to return them to the store. Not liking a gift is not sufficient reason to return it. If it doesn't fit or you already have one, those are legitimate grounds for returning it, but perhaps the wisest solution is to exchange your unwanted gift for a book entitled "How to Give the Gift That Counts."

And there's no need to repeat myself about fruit cakes.

Let's make it mandatory that every Christmas card mailed has both the first and last name of the sender.

And while we're on the mailing subject, I don't know what can be done about those overly long, poorly copied and sometimes virtually unreadable letters purporting to catch you up on all of the family members' activities.

Finally, let's ensure that every major religion in America finds a way to make Christmas its own. There is no other time of year during which so many people feel so good and so friendly toward so many other people. The spirit of Christmas exceeds the narrow beliefs of any one religion. God bless you all during these special moments.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.