Generosity of spirit starts at home and supports us through hard times

All relationships have their "Cell Block Tango" moments. You know, the song from the Broadway musical "Chicago." The song opens with poor Ernie, who likes to chew gum. No, not chew — pop! "He had it coming ..." so the song goes.

The pandemic has tested our close relationships. We have weathered financial strain, grief, loss and extreme togetherness. No house feels big enough and we all could benefit from some space and alone time. We tend to get snippy with those closest to us when we're under stress. We snap at our kids when they ask the same question repeatedly or complain. We also bicker with our partners.

Common courtesy tells us to not devolve into petty arguments at work, school or with the random stranger at Starbucks. For the most part, we know how to bite our tongues and go on about our day when a stranger annoys us. But at home we don't offer the same generosity of spirit or practice the same self-control. We roll our eyes and make biting remarks to the ones we supposedly love the most. We let insignificant behavior eat at us. The people who have seen us at our best also witness us at our worst.

I recently read a Facebook post from someone urging people to stop annoying their spouses because it leads to divorce. This person said if someone tells you a certain behavior is annoying, stop doing it. Plain and simple. Sure, I can see that. I think we've all given our partners that "could you not ..." look. But it's a slippery slope and correcting our spouse's behavior isn't really what a relationship is about.

I'm going to challenge that advice with the opposite approach. Practice generosity of spirit at home. We know the hearts of the people closest to us.

What I find happens in those moments of bickering and frustration is that I'm assigning ill intent where there is none. The way my husband eats popcorn is not a personal attack. Annoying? Yes. Very. Popcorn is not that crunchy, and I can only assume it's echoing in the chambers of his cavernous noggin. Yes, my "Cell Block Tango" sympathy moments usually involve popcorn, not chewing gum.

But that's a "me" problem.

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. Popcorn will not be what breaks us. That's why earbuds were invented. I also know that my special ability to ask unending strings of questions is one of the many things I do that annoys my husband. But I'm a journalist and I ask questions and he has known this about me since the day we met.

My husband also knows that I have his back. I support his dreams and he supports mine. When it comes down to our most challenging days as well as our greatest triumphs we turn toward each other, not away. If an explosive argument is going to erupt over popcorn, then it's not about the popcorn. We have bigger things to talk over and understand.

This pandemic has brought out more of the bickering, sure, but we won't bicker this relationship to death. We challenge each other to be generous at home and generous in our relationship. We give each other the benefit of the doubt and aim to assume the best about the other person. I'd rather focus on the love and support we find in each other every day and let the challenging times remind me that I married the right person.