Full moon, left turn and pralines

Never start a remodeling project during a full moon.

I want that chiseled on my tombstone.

After my wife and I survived remodeling our kitchen several years ago, we swore we would buy a new house before we would go through that again.

When we built a house more than 20 years ago, we enjoyed the experience. So why is remodeling so bad?

Because you have to live with it.

When we started talking about remodeling the upstairs bathrooms, we concocted this plan for moving out of the house during the project.

But where would we go? And how long could we afford to stay away?

The answer now, less than one week into the bathroom upgrade, is easy: (a) anywhere and (b) for as long as it takes.

In spite of our plan, we are living in the basement of our house while the upstairs bathrooms are being gutted. The contractor's workers have discovered that our house, built in the 1960s, was put together by craftsmen who cut no corners and spared no expense. For example, the studs in the wall between the two bathrooms were 2-by-6 lumber. The plaster on the walls was a full inch thick. And the corner shower in one of the bathrooms was poured concrete so solid that it looked like the house might have to come down just to get the shower out.

Meanwhile, everything is covered with plastic drop cloths in hopes the dust filtering through the house will be magically attracted instead of embedding itself in upholstery and on knickknacks.

Our contractor keeps assuring us that the end product is worth a bit of inconvenience. He better be right. And it better be before the next full moon.

---

I can't tell you exactly when I stopped making left turns.

Everyone who rides with me makes fun of me.

Yes, I have been known to go several blocks out of my way to make right turns only.

Occasionally, I use the left-turn lane if there is a signal with a left-turn arrow. Otherwise, I look for ways to go right.

Charlie Gibson, anchor of the ABC evening news program, saw fit this week to report that UPS, the worldwide delivery service, agrees with me.

Well, he didn't mention me by name. But he could have.

UPS plots out its delivery routes on a computer. The company has discovered that by eliminating left turns, each driver travels fewer miles and goes faster. Fewer miles adds up to some 6 million fewer miles a year. At $2.50 a gallon -- or more -- for all those trucks -- well, you do the math. I could do it for you, but I'd probably get it wrong.

Suffice to say, the Sullivan right-turn-only policy is saving a gob of money for UPS.

Now when my passengers make fun of me, I'll tell them I'd be happy to turn left ... if they pay the difference.

---

It was a wonderful surprise to get a visit this week from Linda Dowd, editor of the Scott County Signal in Chaffee. Linda has shared her homemade tamales (best I've ever had) in the past. This week she told me to close my eyes and hold out my hands. The paper bag she gave me had "EL FENIX" printed on it in bold green letters. THE El Fenix. The Mexican restaurant in Texas with some of the world's best pralines.

As it turns out, I am indebted to the Chaffee Chatters columnist who splits her time between Chaffee and Dallas (the best of small-town life and big-city living) and agreed to help Linda with my praline fix after I wrote a column about the pecan-and-sugar morsels.

Thank you, Darla Buckhannon. You have no idea how happy you've made a one-time Dallasite who remembers sinking his teeth into an El Fenix praline for the first time 40 years ago.

Life is sweet.

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.