Focus on the Family: Action, not anger, key to disciplining teens

Dear Dr. Dobson: Generally speaking, what kind of discipline do you use with a teenager who is habitually miserable to live with?

Dear Reader: The general rule is to use action -- not anger -- to reach an understanding. Any time you can get teenagers to do what is necessary without becoming furious at them, you are ahead of the game. Let me provide a few examples of how this might be accomplished.

(1) In Russia, I'm told that teenagers who are convicted of using drugs are denied driver's licenses for years. It is an effective approach.

(2) When my daughter was a teenager, she used to slip into my bathroom and steal my razor, my shaving cream, my toothpaste or my comb. Of course, she never brought them back. Then after she had gone to school, I would discover the utensils missing. There I was with wet hair or "fuzzy" teeth, trying to locate the confiscated items in her bathroom. It was no big deal, but it was irritating at the time. Can you identify?

I asked Danae a dozen times not to do this, to no avail. Thus, the phantom struck without warning one cold morning. I hid everything she needed to put on her "face," and then left for the office. My wife told me she had never heard such wails and moans as were uttered that day. Our daughter plunged desperately through bathroom drawers looking for her toothbrush, comb and hair dryer. The problem never resurfaced.

(3) A family living in a house with a small hot-water tank was continually frustrated by their teenager's endless showers. Screaming at him did no good. Once he was locked behind the bathroom door, he stayed in the steamy stall until the last drop of warm water had been drained.

Solution? In midstream, Dad stopped the flow of hot water by turning a valve at the tank. Cold water suddenly poured from the nozzle. Junior popped out of the shower in seconds. Henceforth, he tried to finish bathing before the faucet turned frigid.

(4) A single mother couldn't get her daughter out of bed in the morning until she announced a new policy: The hot water would be shut off promptly at 6:30 a.m. The girl could either get up on time or bathe in ice water.

Another mother had trouble getting her 8-year-old out of bed each morning. She then began pouring bowls of frozen marbles under the covers with him each morning. They gravitated to wherever his body lay. The boy arose quite quickly.

(5) Instead of standing in the parking lot and screaming at students who drive too fast, school officials now put huge bumps in the road that jar the teeth of those who ignore them.

(6) You as the parent have the car that a teenager needs, the money that he covets and the authority to grant or withhold privileges. If push comes to shove, these chips can be exchanged for commitments to live responsibly, share the workload at home and stay off little brother's back.

The possibilities are endless, and they depend not at all on anger, threats or unpleasantries.

Dear Dr. Dobson: Our teenage daughter has become extremely modest in recent months, demanding that even her sisters leave her room when she's dressing. I think this is silly, don't you?

Dear Reader: No. I would suggest that you honor her requests for privacy. Her sensitivity is probably caused by an awareness that her body is changing, and she is embarrassed by recent developments (or the lack of them). This is likely to be a temporary phase and you should not oppose her in it.

Send your questions to Dr. James Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80903. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family.