DOWN UNDER; AUSTRALIA FIRST: WHAT'S OUR IS OURS

SYDNEY, Australia Where do you find out what's going on in a country like Australia, which is as big and as troubled as the United States? Go to the oldest saloon in Sydney and hear what people think.

Trouble is there are three "oldest saloons in Sydney" so one has to choose. Flip a three-sided coin and go to one, The Lord Nelson. It's filled with historic grime.

Sydneysider: Hello, Mate. I see you're from the U.S. Take off that striped tie. You've got spaghetti on it. We hear your country is as screwed up as ours.

American: We've got our pro~blems. We're in a recession: 7.1 percent unemployment.

Sydneysider: 7.1 percent! That's full employment here. We're 10 percent-plus. We're in a depression. The Japs are killing us. You better watch out. They will get you the way they have gotten us. They're smart.

American: Trade with Japan is a hot issue in the States. President Bush took along the chief executives of our car manufacturers to lean on the Japanese Prime Minister.

Sydneysider: "Took along"? They got took. You don't even make a damned car that can sell in Japan. We make cars here in Australia that are compatible with the Japanese market. They don't buy what we make and they won't buy what you make even if you really wanted to compete. The only way to deal with the Japs is to outlaw 'em. "Australia first" is what we call it here.

American: We hear that phrase only it's called "America first." We've got two guys running for President one's a Republican named Pat Buchanan; one's a Democrat named Tom Harkin. They are America Firsters.

Sydneysider: Never heard of 'em; but they are on the right track. We've got to think about ourselves. Many young Australians are coming out of out universities and cannot get a job. What's our stupid cure? This silly Labor Government is going to cut back on enrollment at the universities. That way there will be less jobless graduates.

Brilliant! Politicians are idiots. Then there's health care. We've got a pretty good national system. It costs you $2.50 every time you go to the doctor that's so you don't go whenever you sneeze. Our desperate Prime Minister wants a few votes and proposes to do away with the $2.50 fee to the tune of $1 billion added to our deficit.

Tell you what, the Labor Party is down the tubes here.

American: Health care is a big issue in America. The Democrats are going to push it in the election. But they are having trouble figuring out what they are for and how to pay for it.

Sydneysider: I've got to ask, how are race relations in places like New York? We hear a lot about New York. Never heard of St. Louis. What's it near?

American: Race relations in America are probably more tense than at any time in the past 20 years.

Sydneysider: Same here. You know the answer? Keep Australia for the Australians, not for all of these immigrants who want to take it over. We are proposing a law saying you've got to speak English before you can come here. Now that's a good idea. We started out as English people and people here would speak English.

What are the names of your America Firsters? Send 'em here. We'll elect 'em. They are our kind of blokes.