CLEANING OUT FIELDS OF FUTURE COLUMN IDEAS

People who pretend to have solutions to insoluble problems -- in other words, those of us who make a living by organizing words into readable forms -- sometimes enter subjects of possible columns for future use in their computers or dog-eared notebooks. We do this for a very good reason. There is no more pervasive feeling of panic than to wake up one morning and realize. Good Lord! I have to write a column today, and I don't have a subject.

Believe me when I say thoughts like that will ruin your day faster than you can imagine, which is exactly what happened to me this morning. Suddenly, however, the Muse of Columnists, sometimes known as Total Insanity, came to me in a flash of inspiration: Write today's column by cleaning out your Subject File. So here are some of the subjects, some of them current and some dating back a half-century, that I have at one time or another thought would make it past the Guardians of News, also known as Editors.

* Ask readers if they have ever considered serving a flamingo instead of a turkey on Thanksgiving. Suggest that the leg that folds up is probably sweeter and more tender because the flamingo doesn't use it so much.

* Speculate on whether the Walton heirs who have moved to Missouri actually buy their groceries, clothing and birthday gifts at their local Wal-Mart.

* Write a guide to restaurants, noting that when the word "cuisine" appears in the advertising, you'll need plenty of money to get by the first course. If the restaurant uses the word "food," it should be affordable enough, although probably nothing you will remember past indigestion. However, if the sign says "eats," even though you'll save some money, your medical bills may be quite high unless you have a friend at your HMO.

* Advise disgruntled Mizzou football fans to get a new team to follow, like the Harlem Globetrotters. There's no losing, no stats, no annoying media. Just winning all the time. Or they could switch to the Washington Generals, the team that loses to the Globetrotters every game. At least Mizzou alumni would eliminate all that annoying, preseason optimism.

* Offer a new method of combating serious crime: Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions, like No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out. They seem to work. Perhaps we should have signs that read Murder Strictly Prohibited or Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. Also not that Monicagate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that read The Penalty for Marriage-Vow Violations Is Impeachment.

* Suggest that Americans might be better off with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem to be highly motivated: serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, political hacks running for office, phone solicitors, home-siding salesmen and TV car dealers. Show me a lazy American who lies in bed all day watching TV, and I'll show you a citizen who's not causing any trouble.

* Propose a law that would limit advice books to the number of illegal aliens caught at the Texas border. After all, who really benefits from books like "Eat, Run, Stay Fit and Die Anyway"?

* Write a column against living in the past while noting that our culture is currently composed on sequels, reruns, remakes, revivals, re-issues, recreations, re-enactments, anniversaries, memorabilia and nostalgia. This is a bad time for people who would rather live in the present as we review everything that has occurred not only for the past 100 years but for the past 1,000 years. World War II has been fought so much that Germans and Japanese are entitled to residuals. Somebody is sure to write a book in the next few weeks entitled "What America Was Like at the Start of the Last Millennium."

* Ask readers to comment on such subjects as why time seems to be going faster than it once did, why is seems longer to go somewhere than to return and why politicians who promise us the moon are never charged with breach of contract.

Sometime I'll get around to discussing these problems.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.