All-purpose State of the Union talk

Editor's note: In the early weeks of each new year in America, the chief executive of our federal government and a vast majority of our state governors deliver what is known as a State of the Union or a State of the State message to their respective legislative bodies. These speeches are designed to chart the course of governments for the next 12 months, and over the years their importance has increased as a result of heightened media interest -- despite the increasing repetition of executive promises, pledges and proposals. Herewith is an all-purpose presidential-gubernatorial address that should meet any constitutional requirements while relieving chief executives of the burdens attached to obfuscation, duplicity and outright lying. Readers may wish to clip and save this all-purpose address for future use at the start of each new year.

KENNETT, Mo. -- Mr. Speaker, Members of the Legislature, Fellow Americans:

Twelve months ago I came before you in this chamber to outline my plans for your thoughtful consideration and, hopefully, your enlightened approval. I welcome the opportunity of repeating many of the suggestions I made just a year ago, hoping that you will treat them with more thoughtful consideration than was according them on previous occasions.

In the spirit of bipartisanship, I once again pledge I will conduct the public's business without regard to political faith or the fact there are so many blatant partisans in the opposition party. Since taking office, my first task has been to select the men and women I found qualified to carry out the responsibilities imposed by the constitution. I think it merits mention that 98 percent of the list of potential appointees from the opposition party failed to meet the minimum standards of public service set by both tradition and law, and thus I have been forced to redefine the word "bipartisan" in order to carry out the public's business.

I must warn you that this year's budget is perhaps the most finely balanced of any submitted in the past 100 years. Any deviation from the fiscal allocations included in this budget will result in a violation of the constitutional requirement for balancing income with outgo. Any action taken by the Legislature to violate this provision could result in impeachment proceedings, so I urge your consideration in the months ahead. I think it fair to notify you that I have instructed the attorney general to prepare articles of impeachment for any legislator who acts illegally to throw our state into deficit spending for some cockeyed project that isn't worth the paper the opposition writes it on. Again, I want to pledge my wholehearted cooperation in achieving a nonpartisan, balanced budget. We can do no less as elected officials of our great state.

As I noted when I appeared before you just one year ago, this administration stands four-square in support of improving public education which can only be achieved through better schools, brighter students, competent teachers, better equipped classrooms, computers for each student and achievement tests coming out the wazoo. Unfortunately, until the Legislature appropriates many new billions to this end, our state-wide test results will continue to fall as they have for the past half century. I place responsibility for raising our deplorable national 49th ranking squarely on the shoulders of the short-sighted, indifferent, uncaring opposition. You must act favorably during this session or most assuredly, you will hang us all. With irate parents knocking on my door. I have ordered signs directing them to opposition party offices in the Capitol.

There are numerous other needs of our state, all of which I have recounted repeatedly over many years. We face challenges in virtually every aspect of life in our glorious state: Crime is rampant, our prisons are overflowing, our colleges are overcrowded, our mental health facilities are virtually nonexistent, criminals now outnumber police officers by a margin of 89,000 to 1, our public health services have been reduced to first-aid stations, our highways are crumbling before our very eyes, our social services programs have been reduced to plans for relocating our poor and needy to neighboring states, our wells are poisoned and our rivers are overflowing, our economic development programs have lowered their priorities to placing a McDonald's in every city with 1,000 residents, our tourism business has been depleted so badly that even free concerts by out state's Official Drum & Kazoo Band are no longer attracting audiences, our highway patrol officers have been forced to sell T-shirts to supplement their budget shortfalls, and our state investments are almost entirely in Enron stock. We have become the Kmart of America's states.

Clearly, we have much on our plates if we are to reverse these trends during the next four months. I stand before you today concerned about our state's future, not to mention my own, so I pledge my office's continued cooperation in working closely with the legislative branch of our government in assuring the continued progress I foolishly promised when 50.01 percent of the voters overwhelmingly elected me their chief executive.

In closing, I would like to recognize one of our state's special citizens I invited as a guest for today's address. Mother, will you please stand so that everyone in the chamber can see you? Her trip to the Capitol was arranged by our fine lobbyists who agreed to pay her expenses if she would distribute handbills urging attendance at one of our state's many athletic stadiums. She'll be standing at the exit.

Let us not forget our pledge to serve the public, and let us work together to bring even greater glory to our proud state and its embittered citizens. It is imperative that we keep voters from misunderstanding our dedication.

Thank you and please, God, give us a break.

Jack Stapleton is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.