Wiggling the night away

~Richard Cason delves into the "baby moshpit" that was The Wiggles' first Show Me Center concert.

Until a few weeks ago I had not heard of the Wiggles, not once; but on that mild evening after Fat Tuesday in late February, I would wish that I never had. For the uninitiated, the Wiggles are a band from Australia that specializes in children's entertainment. They have been around for 16 years and have achieved global fame through albums, videos, television series and concert appearances. Each of the four Wiggles has their own carefully crafted persona, honed through years of performance on an almost Shakespearean level: Anthony the Blue Wiggle likes to eat, Murray the Red Wiggle likes to play the guitar, Jeff the Purple Wiggle likes to sleep and Sam the Yellow Wiggle likes to sing and drive the big red car.

As I waited in traffic to turn into the Show-Me Center I found myself behind a GMC Yukon, its passengers also going to the Wiggles concert. I noticed the children in the Yukon watching a flip-down flat screen that was playing ... the Wiggles! From my vantage point it looked like a Men At Work video with everyone dressed as bullfighters. Thank God I couldn't hear it.

It's a real versatile building that Show-Me Center. As a writer for OFF I've covered commencement ceremonies, demolition derbies and now a show consisting of a group of weirdos who claim to be the No. 1 preschool band in the world; I know I would put that on my resume. According to Business Review Weekly magazine, The Wiggles were Australia's highest grossing entertainers for the year 2005, earning more than AC/DC and Nicole Kidman combined.

The Wiggles' roots go back to the 1980's when Anthony Field and Jeff Fatt were in the pub-rock band the Cockroaches, who had a number of Top 40 hits. In 1988 when they disbanded Field enrolled at the Institute of Early Childhood Studies at Sydney's Macquarie University. Field soon met the other male students in the program, Greg Page who was the original Yellow Wiggle and Murray Cook; among the three of them an idea to make a children's music album was cooked up. Needing a keyboard player Field recruited his old Cockroach cohort Jeff Fatt and the four of them went on to make a mint.

Matt Sanders, who was writing the regular version of this for the Southeast Missourian, was standing in front of the box office at the top of all those steps. Handing me my ticket Matt said, "We're on the floor". "That's good", I replied, "I guess". In we went.

The Wiggles' set looked like it was bought at Jefferson Airplane's garage sale. There was psychedelic lighting, a few fake trees, an inflatable house from which would emerge their menagerie of obviously drug-influenced characters; characters like Dorothy the Dinosaur who adores roses, Captain Feathersword the "friendly" pirate, or Henry the Octopus who loves to butcher Ray Charles songs.

These poor kids, I thought. They don't know what they are being suckered into. When I was 2 and 3 years old it was Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, the Road Runner, etc.; all Looney Tunes, all the time -- who were not children's characters, by the way. They were adult characters that happened to appeal to kids; the adult jokes went over the children's heads but there were just enough anvils dropped or beaks shot off to keep all of us riveted. Twenty-five years later, not one of these 2,000 kids could tell you who Bugs or Daffy were. Their parents would rather them sing idiotic songs about moving around, food, sound effects and the like while the parents are perfectly happy to sing along and dance!

Playing on the big screens that seem to be at every function I cover was "The Wiggles meets the Crocodile Hunter", the perfect brainwashing tool to sap the precious children of their last bit of free will. At a quarter to seven a nerdy-looking fellow in a silver sequined tuxedo and tails took to the stage and reminded all of us that in the "unlikely event that we needed to evacuate the facility we need everyone to know where the exits are". He continued, "Also, we need everyone to know where your children are at all times. We don't want anyone to get lost" Emergency exits? Keep an eye on your kids? I was now kind of anxious to see what would warrant such announcements. The guy concluded, "Now please direct your attention to the screens behind me; we have a very special message".

I had heard about this announcement. Greg the original Yellow Wiggle was stricken with orthostatic intolerance which results in vertigo, fainting and loss of balance. So he's talking about his condition and, frankly, the kids didn't care; not because "they don't care" but because to the kids a Wiggle is a Wiggle. Greg then introduced Sam and officially gave him the yellow shirt.

Once that was over and the long opening song and dance number it was time for the payoff. The Wiggles Dancers left the stage and then a landing party from the original "Star Trek" emerged from their shuttlecraft. What? Oh, it was the Wiggles and they were in the big red car!

"Toot toot, chugga chugga, big red car, we're gonna drive all day long" were the first words they uttered and I couldn't contain it any longer. I laughed and l laughed. I laughed at the parents who had got Shanghaied into this, the kids, myself and the Wiggles themselves. Song after song, sketch after sketch, the entire program was nothing short of ridiculous. One dance looked like it was lifted right out of the latest Pepto-Bismol television campaign. After every one of their little bits one of those jerks would tell the audience, "Give yourselves a big clap". That might work in Australia but here we don't say "give yourselves a big clap". We don't say it and, hopefully, we don't actually do it.

There were two roadies stationed in front of the stage charged with corralling the ever-growing baby mosh pit. Some of the kids brought roses for Dorothy the Dinosaur which throughout the show were being collected by dancers in black and red half-tuxedos.

Henry the Octopus came out and sang about Cape Girardeau to the tune of "Georgia" and that was a crime against God ... but the end was in sight. They sang "Big Red Car" again, said their goodnights and left. The show ended at 8 p.m. to insure that children would be home in time for bed but too wound-up for sleep.

The place turned back into the Show-Me Center as the audience filed out and the set was struck. I didn't have backstage access so I could only speculate at what was going on back there. Were the Wiggles popping uppers and downers to deal with the pressure? Was wild and crazy sex happening? Did each and every one of them hate themselves for having to plaster on a fake smile and entertain children with their hands still in their diapers?

Maybe it's best left unsolved.

Show-Me Center traffic is always a bloody nightmare and this was no exception. I found my truck, fired it up and noticed something under my wiper blade. Disgusted with the evening and the traffic, I got out and snatched it off my windshield. It turned out to be mini-flyer for ... what else? My Little Pony, coming in May! Too bad it wasn't the Transformers.