VICTIMS AND ABUSERS TAP VIOLENT CYCLE

Therapists call it the Cycle of Violence.

It starts with the "honeymoon period," the part of an abusive relationship when the abuser is calm, full of love for his victim, promising nothing bad will ever happen to her.

Then comes "tension build-up," when the abuser gets upset about something going on in his life -- his job, his family, his car, anything -- and readies for the next stop in the cycle: the violent act.

An abuser's violent act may be anything from slapping his victim to killing her. Then it's back to the promises, promises, promises.

It's a cycle Tammy Gwaltney, administrative director with Lutheran Family and Children's Services, has seen and explained many times. She holds a master's degree in social work from Washington University and has worked with victims of domestic violence for years.

People in functional families find it difficult to understand the Cycle of Violence. They imagine victims of abuse to be poor or uneducated. But that's not always the case. An abuser and his victim may be the couple living in the house next door with their well-behaved children and two new cars.

It isn't the amount of money or education one has that affects his potential to be abusive, therapists say. It's usually his history.

Paul Weinhold, clinical director at Lutheran Services, said about 80 percent of the men he works with have been victims of abuse themselves or seen violence in their family.

"The family is the first, most significant classroom in which we learn about interaction and conflict resolution," Weinhold said. "Some learn that violence is an appropriate way to resolve a conflict, and it's socially acceptable."

An abuser usually loves his victim. After beating her, he feels a sense of emotional -- perhaps even sexual -- gratification. But that feeling is coupled with great remorse. He cries, begs for forgiveness. There's a period of penance, when he brings home gifts and tries to be helpful.

That stage doesn't last, Weinhold said. When tensions start to build, he's right back where he started, taking things out on the same woman he was just begging to forgive him.

"He may identify her as the problem and use her as a scapegoat," Weinhold said. "He has a distorted sense of reality."

So does his victim, Gwaltney said. Even as the tensions are building, she actually might try to do something to upset her abuser and get the beating over with.

The victim, too, probably came from a dysfunctional home where her mother put up with beatings. She might not realize it isn't a normal way of life. If she does, she should build a support system and get out of the situation.

"She needs a trusted friend or family member she can confide in who can support her emotionally and perhaps even financially," Gwaltney said. "If you are controlled socioeconomically and psychologically and have no other support system, you probably won't be able to get out."

Even if a victim of abuse has no friends or family to rely on, there is The Safe House for Women in Cape Girardeau. There, a woman may live in privacy and get legal assistance, job counseling and emotional support.

If a victim feels she is in danger, she might want to go to the courthouse and get an ex parte order -- also called a restraining order or order of protection -- stating that her abuser must stay away. Even then, she must be careful.

"I have mixed feelings about orders of protection," Gwaltney said. "If you have someone who is really violent, that piece of paper will not stop him from coming after someone. But in some cases, it can be helpful."

Weinhold said the key to making an order of protection work is the victim standing her ground.

"Sometimes you have a woman who has been beaten, takes out an order of protection and then allows the perpetrator to have contact with her," he said. "There must be absolute consistency. If the perpetrator comes near her, she must call the police."

In some cases, the couple may be able to work things out, but it's important for the victim to get out of the situation whether the abuser says he will seek counseling or not.

Weinhold said it takes tremendous amounts of work to make a family stay together when abuse is involved. There must be individual therapy for the wife, husband and children, marriage counseling and family therapy -- usually lasting for two years or more.