TODAY'S COLUMN: 'O LITTLE CREDIT CARD' AND OTHER FORAYS INTO HOLIDY HUMOR

Why is Christmas like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Santa is actually lucky to cram all his Christmas activities into one evening. The rest of us have lived with the holiday season since mid-October. Now that Christmas is almost here, I'm tired of hearing about it being the time of peace and good will while actually encountering rude comments from frazzled sales clerks and pushes and shoves from tired shoppers.

What we need now is not a little Christmas (I've had about all of it I can stand), but a few corny Christmas jokes to lighten the mood.

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

What goes ho-ho-ho bump?

Santa laughing his head off.

What do you call the fear of getting stuck in the chimney?

Santa-claustrophobia.

Did Santa go to public school?

No he was elf-taught.

And I had to agree with a woman I heard recently who said she loved Christmas carols, but in moderation. You hear holiday songs, especially the insipid Muzak versions of them, at work, shopping for groceries, at department stores and on the car radio. It's no wonder some people come up with alternative versions of Christmas classic. Being this close to the end of the holiday buying season, I thought this one was appropriate:

O little Credit Card

(To the tune of "O little town of Bethlehem")

O little Credit Card

You bring me Christmas cheer;

Without your clout,

I have no doubt

No gifts I'd give this year;

Your credit line allows me

To run up bills quite large,

And when I'm through

Exhausting you

I'll use my Master Charge

Speaking of Christmas songs, did you hear the "Twelve Days of Christmas" is being updated? The four calling birds are being replaced by an automated voice mail system with a call waiting option and the eight maids-a-milking concept, after heavy scrutiny by the EEOC, is being reconfigured to create a male/female balance in the workforce.

Often kids don't understand the lyrics to songs, and Christmas carols are no exception. Take a look at these mangled lyrics:

Deck the halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

Sleep in heavenly peas

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

A child's misunderstanding of lyrics underlies this joke, as well:

A youngster drew a Christmas scene that showed Santa, sleigh and reindeer. There were the regular eight and Rudolph plus a strange-looking tenth animal. The addition looked like a cross between a reindeer and a cow with a green nose. The youngster explained that it was Olive, the udder reindeer.

One of the most absurd Christmas songs to me is "White Christmas." People who dream of snow around the holidays must not have to drive on the icy, sleek roads that would accompany it. Plus, if you've seen the movie "White Christmas," you know their desire for snow was selfish since they ran a ski lodge that was about to go belly up.

Speaking of snow:

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Snowflakes.

No corny joke column would be complete without a knock-knock joke, so I leave you with this:

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Wanda.

Wanda who?

Wanda wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

Teresa Johnson is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.