The good, the bad, and the ugly

You'd like to say you haven't, but it's impossible. We've all taken a bad picture in our lives. Every time my column comes out, the first thing I always see is my picture. In my old photo, I looked like a pregnant man who just ran 5 miles through the desert. The new photo might be a better picture.

Anyway, it's that time of year again when schools all around the country get to take our picture to put on file. That's an annual occasion that I believe a lot of people, including me, hate.

Not only has school started but now you have to take pictures for them. My mom always makes a big deal about that day. While I'm lying on the couch focusing on important things like "Saturday Night Live" reruns, she continues to go in and out of my room holding up different shirts talking about color coordination. Let's just say I don't really care about how I look in my school pictures and something usually ends up going wrong with them anyway, whether it be getting the wrong colored background or half my face missing from the picture. The photographers usually put you on the spot to smile, so they end up saying something so horribly corny that you have to force out what may be considered a smile. When the picture is taken they talk to you like you're teenage scum and say, "OK, you're done." After receiving our school pictures this past year, both my friend and I decided that we looked as if we were being held at gunpoint.

If you're anything like my aunt, you take more energy to get out of the camera lens rather than just sit back and suffer the occasional picture. At Thanksgiving, almost every picture we have of her is of her holding a glass in front of her face. I don't know why she does it all the time. I guess she thinks she looks like the Grinch on crack. If you're reading this, dear aunt, you look like a normal person.

You could always be like my mom, who actually takes the time to cut herself out of some of the family pictures. That's something I really don't understand. How do you explain that to someone looking at your pictures?

"Why is there a gaping hole in this Christmas picture?"

"Well, right before the picture was taken, she turned into Wonder Woman and she didn't want anyone to know her secret. So we had to cut her out."

Then there's my uncle, who instinctively does the bunny ear trick during any family occasion. We could be eating at a restaurant or attending the Pope's funeral and I honestly believe he would put bunny ears behind any helpless victim standing next to him. If you're ever around him, don't give him the pleasure of giving you the bunny ears. Stand at least 4 feet from him.

In the end you'll look back on them and laugh in the future. Personally, I think the bad pictures have more meaning than the good ones. It's always fun to criticize the bowl haircut, the pimple the size of a grapefruit on your nose, or the way you smiled. Keep in mind, though, that you should keep one or two good pictures for emergencies.

Everyone be on the lookout. I just heard on the radio that a wild pack of paparazzi just escaped from the National Enquirer. Better watch your back.