The fabulous life of Sam DeReign

I was watching MTV this evening and it made me realize how boring and tame my life is. Somewhere in between watching Boy George showing me his golden tub and finding out that J. Lo makes approximately $50 billion off her clothing line, I looked around me and started to cry.

Then I began to laugh hysterically, thinking of how I would look if I were to appear on "Cribs" or "Diary" or "The Fabulous Life of ..."

Scenarios of me on different shows:

"MTV Cribs": (pulling out bottle of apple juice) "And here you'll see every playa has to have their bottle of pimp juice!" (walking away and tripping over trigonometry book)

"Diary": Jan. 14, 2004 -- "Today I'm going to school and doing homework. Then I have a meeting with my parents where we'll eat and I'll go to bed!" (roll credits)

"The Fabulous Life of ... Sam DeReign": (Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous voice narration) "With the salary that Sam makes in a year he could buy a DVD, a full tank of gas AND a burrito!"

Then there's shows like "The Real World" and "Road Rules." These shows depict young adults as completely insane, dysfunctional people who have multiple sexual encounters in a day as if it's nothing. If there was even the slightest chance that two girls and a guy showered together from my school, it would be the talk of the town for the next century.

I guess I can see why adults consider teens as immature people who pervert the world with our ways, although the two or three times I've been in a nursing home they're all crowded around watching "Everybody Loves Raymond."

Isn't that the show where Raymond constantly begs for sexual attention from his wife and disrespects his parents?

And while we're at it, remember "Average Joe"? The show whose two-hour season finale consisted of a woman choosing between an average guy and a good-looking guy? The demographics show that 17.4 million 18- to 49- year-olds watched it. And what was the outcome? A beautiful woman chose the better-looking guy. What a clincher!

So while our 45-year-old mothers are complaining we watch too much immoral wild stuff on MTV, they're sitting there following every move of a self-absorbed woman whose only motive was to be on television.

I'd better leave the senior citizens out of this. I may receive more hate mail like I got last week, saying how I disrespect them. Although all I did was talk about a couple of funny incidents where my grandmothers had problems with the technology around them. So this following statement is for the readers who think I'm the devil's issue yet continue to read what I have to say: Teenagers are terrible, terrible people who deserve a good punishment every now and then!

And to whoever actually watched Trista and Ryan's wedding ... may God be with you.

Sam Dereign is a student at Oran High School. Contact him at sdereign@semissourian.com.