The elderly and their ways

BySam DeReign

Grandparents are special people who hold a special place in our hearts. They're great human beings when it comes to hospitality, and you feel like a heartless piece of poo when it comes time for you to go back to your own home.

They grew up in a day and age where the Chia pet was a nonexistent miracle, and a time in which Bob Barker was only 294 years old. Those were the good ol' days.

The problem, however, is that their biological clocks apparently froze in the year 1957 and trying to explain technology to them today is like talking to a box of crayons. It's just so sad to see how little they know. I'm not saying I'm some genius when it comes to these things, but I do feel pretty smart when I compare myself with them. I'll never forget the time my 80-year-old grandma tried using a cell phone. Apparently she thought my dad's Nokia was a radio from World War II.

"Hello?!" she screamed directly into the mouthpiece. (She was holding it like a walkie talkie.) I kept expecting her to eventually scream the words "Mayday, mayday!" but she never did. In fact the only words she did get out within the 10-minute period were "Hello" and "Turn this thing off."

This same grandma also once tried to use a computer.

"Move the mouse left now, grandma." The arrow slowly moves to the right.

"Left." It keeps going right.

(Beads of sweat dripping from my brow) "Left, Grandmother, left."

My other grandma had an incident that I consider to be 50 times worse than the cell phone and computer episodes -- those were at least somewhat understandable.

My family and I were playing a board game, for some unknown reason, one night when my grandma stopped by for a visit.

"Oh, what's that you all are playin'?" she said sweetly.

I looked down at the board that read in big bold letters "Monopoly."

"How do you all play this game?" she asked in a kind, gentle tone.

My face began turning the shade of the hotels that I had just landed on.

"Wasn't Monopoly invented in 1935?" I thought to myself with amazement.

Apparently she is of Pilgrim age and Monopoly is an astounding revolution in the world of entertainment to her.

I say all this now, but what will I be like? Will I still be listening to rap when I'm 90? Will I know how to make toast? Will I know what Monopoly is anymore?

It's a little depressing when you think about it, but I try not to, and make the best of it by making fun of old people dealing with the new things around them. It's like watching cave men trying to invent fire.

Or my grandma trying to pass "Go" and collecting $200.

Sam DeReign is a senior at Oran High School. Contact him at sdereign@semissourian.com.