The deaths that aren't supposed to happen

On the second floor of Southeast Missouri Hospital, a small embroidered bunny is perched alongside fluffy white bows on the branch of an artificial Christmas tree.

Near the bottom of the ornament, "Newcomer '92" has been embroidered, but the tiny pink-and-brown thread that forms the bunny stops midstitch about halfway down. An explanation on the back reads simply: "For all my unfinished dreams ..."

The bunny is nestled among some 100 other ornaments, all representing the unfinished dreams of local parents who lost children through miscarriages, stillbirth or newborn death.

Most of the ornaments have names on them. Three identical silver teddy bears, inscribed with Alex, Shane and Abigail, represent triplets. The tree is one of the few ways parents, especially those who suffered miscarriages and have no tangible memories, can recognize their babies.

"Our society doesn't deal well with the death of a child. Babies aren't supposed to die," said Gayle Unverferth, a neonatal intensive care nurse at Southeast who coordinates a support program for grieving parents.

Nationally, around one in every four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Research shows that the majority -- around 80 percent according to www.babycenter.com -- occur during the first trimester of pregnancy.

Because of that, grieving for a miscarried baby becomes even more difficult because there's little to show for the short life.

"Bonding starts as soon as you see the pregnancy test. You start thinking about whether it's a boy or girl, you imagine taking them to kindergarten, then graduation and before you know it you're walking them down the aisle," Unverferth said.

"Those dreams are washed away when you have a loss like that. It's always going to hurt. You'll always have a scar on your heart," she said.

At Southeast, Unverferth works with an international program called SHARE that is based in St. Louis. The program provides support to parents who have lost babies by offering group meetings, educational opportunities and other activities.

Saint Francis Medical Center has a similar program in place that involves a bereavement team. Miscarriages are among the most frequent losses coordinator Jennifer McElvain helps parents through.

McElvain, a labor and delivery nurse at Saint Francis, said the most important thing she can do to help parents is listen.

"Especially with miscarriages, we have to convince parents there is nothing they've done wrong. Miscarried moms always think 'I should have gone to the doctor sooner, it's my fault,'" McElvain said.

Experts say miscarriages, especially those that occur during the first trimester of pregnancy, are most likely caused by an abnormal fetus and therefore not preventable.

In the second trimester, a miscarriage more likely is linked to the mother through autoimmune disorders or drugs, caffeine, smoking or diseases such as diabetes.

McElvain said the hospital provides a special memory box to parents who have lost a child. Both hospitals have special burial plots at Cape Girardeau County Memorial Park Cemetery where parents can go to grieve.

"Basically, it's broken dreams," said McElvain. "They're expecting to start or make an addition to their family. They go weeks planning and dreaming, and then within one day it's all taken away."

cclark@semissourian.com

335-6611, extension 128