Testing into stupidity

ACTs, MAPs and SATs are all glorious things we must encounter while in high school. Boy, I sure do love them. They bring back such good memories of ... oh, wait. There are none.

There are memories, however. Like the times I wanted to stab myself in the heart with my pencil. Not just any pencil, however. A No. 2 pencil. What kind of morons made these tests a required thing? Do they know what they've done? Actually, they're probably not even real people. The things that made these tests are supergenius robots sent from the planet Childrenmustdie and they're here to stay for a while.

The MAP test is not so bad compared to the ACT. You can actually write down what you want to say. That's always good because if you know one thing about it, you can use that same sentence in a different form. For example:

Q: What was this story about and how did it make you feel?

A: This story was about a sad little boy who lost his pet duck and learned that his parents were getting a divorce. This story made me sad because I can relate to losing a pet duck and my parents fight a lot. I think they may be getting a divorce. The part that made me sad the most was the little duck running away.

There. That's how simple it is. The people grading this test are probably wondering if they're missing the new episode of "The OC" and are wanting to get home to the leftover Mexican food in the fridge.

The ACTs are a completely different story, however, because R2-D2 is grading them and all he does is electronically check to see if you marked the right circle.

First off, there's the grammar. That's actually the part I'm best at. Then there's the reading. They say you need to read fast, and I translate that into ... reading it fast. I don't take it as being able to skip every five lines and being able to answer the questions. When they say "5 minutes left" I usually have an entire story unread so I end up glancing at one word and trying to answer the questions. It could be a story about a whale named Sue who lost her way while migrating and they'd ask me what the main point was. I usually just pick C when I'm in a rush, but the answer C may be "Sue was a housewife unhappy with her life."

Then there's the math and science that actually made me laugh while testing. The questions are so ridiculous you wonder if they're even possible.

Everytime I look up, it's as if the whole class is working diligently while I'm the complete moron who shouldn't have even been allowed into the room.

The SAT is something I haven't dealt with yet. I guess you can consider me one of the luckier ones.

I suppose all we can do is hope and pray that someone carrying a glass of water will trip and that R2-D2 will be in close proximity.

Sam DeReign is a senior at Oran High School.