`TEARS OF SADNESS, TEARS OF HOPE' FOR ANYONE WHO HAS LOST A CHILD

The holidays are often the most difficult time of year for people who have suffered the death of one of their children.

"Because this is the time of year where you're supposed to be saying happy, happy, happy, and they're going, 'Hey, I'm not happy I'm really sad. I want my child to be here with me and I want to buy presents for them and I want to bake cookies for them and I can't because they aren't here,'" Tammy Gwaltney, of Lutheran Family and Children's Services of Cape Girardeau, said.

Gwaltney said many people avoid talking about their loss during the holidays because they're afraid of ruining Christmas for other people. But since sharing their grief can be healing, Gwaltney and other members of Lutheran Family Services have invited anyone who has suffered a such loss to attend a program beginning at 7 tonight at Hanover Lutheran Church, 2949 Perryville Road.

"The program is entitled `Tears of Sadness, Tears of Hope' because those are the two sides of the grief process that people go through or hopefully go through whenever they've experienced the death or loss of a child," she said. "It is a very sad thing to experience. The death of a child is one of the worst types of grief that people will go through.

"There can be hope that you won't always feel such a deep sense of loss. You can turn that sadness into a positive as well."

The program is not designed strictly for those who have lost a child to death. Many people grieve after giving children up to adoption or losing visitation rights in a divorce.

"We've invited people to come who've had both the death or the loss of a child," Gwaltney said. "Individuals who have given a child up for adoption and, although they felt that was the best decision, they still grieve the fact that child's not with them.

"Or a couple who are infertile and are trying to conceive and can't, or maybe individuals who have opted to have an abortion and grieve the fact that they didn't have that child."

The program will start like a formal church service, Gwaltney said, with pastors from some of the local churches giving sermons. Then the audience will be encouraged to participate but no one will be asked to do more than they are comfortable with.

"We're going to have a memorial book," she said. "As they come in that night to the church they will sign the name of their child, or children, who have died or are no longer with them. That book is going to be maintained on a permanent basis.

"This is a black and white expression that that child existed. When I write my child's name down in that book, she existed, she was real."

Gwaltney, who lost a daughter to a miscarriage in 1989, and many of the other program organizers have suffered the death of a child first-hand and approached this service with their own needs in mind.

"I haven't forgotten about her," she said. "At the holidays I have special Christmas ornaments for her and I put those up on my tree every year."

The program is designed to allow people a wide range of participation. Everyone deals with their grief differently, Gwaltney said. Some may want to sit quietly and listen while others may want to share their experiences. There will be counselors from Lutheran Services on hand if someone wants to talk privately.

Gwaltney stressed that everyone is invited. She has received responses from a number of different churches whose members want to attend.

Hanover Lutheran pastor Mark Martin, who will present a sermon during the program, said he hopes people will be able to draw some encouragement from the event.

"I lost a son about 12 years ago," Martin said. "And the holidays are a very difficult time for people who've lost children. Hopefully by doing this people will realize that there is hope.

"There are things that happen down here that we simply don't understand. We don't know why children are stillborn. We don't know why children die of cancer; why 16-year-olds get killed by drunk drivers. Above all that is God's love and it still hurts, but there is hope for the future."