Support groups offer camaraderie, fellowship for hurting

When Mary McClary's husband Robb died in April 2010, her life changed completely.

After 30 years spent raising her family in Poplar Bluff, Missouri, she had moved to Cape Girardeau to build a life with Robb. He had worked for the City of Cape Girardeau in the inspections office, McClary said, and before that, he'd spent most of his life working as a city manager.

When the couple married in 2001, McClary said Robb was well. He was first diagnosed with colon cancer, which McClary said he survived with surgery and chemotherapy. But in 2007, he developed kidney failure, and though he continued to work, McClary said he had eventually developed preleukemia, a condition in which the bone marrow does not produce enough blood cells.

In January 2010, he underwent chemotherapy again, McClary said. He died three months later at the age of 61.

"When I moved here, especially those last few years, my whole life was just taking care of him," McClary remembered. "So I knew very well what a void it leaves when that person dies and there you are. What do you do with yourself?"

McClary earned a master's degree in nursing, and later, a doctoraral degree in higher education. Thanks to her background in nursing, McClary knew about the local support groups and resources available to help her through the time of loss and transition.

"I knew all about support groups and how they could be helpful to people; I just never had to be in one," she said, noting it may be more difficult for people who have worked in "helping professions" to acknowledge their own needs. "You just think that you're supposed to tough it out ... Well, I got over that really fast and thought, 'I cannot do this by myself.'"

For some time, she attended three support groups, which gave her a place to go three out of four weeks a month.

McClary -- now a volunteer leader for GriefShare at her church, La Croix United Methodist Church in Cape Girardeau -- said she found the support groups she attended to be "extremely helpful" in the initial period of her loss.

"It does get better," McClary said of grief. "The loneliness is the biggest thing that all of my people in GriefShare talk about once they get through those initial days. It's the loneliness, it's the total alteration of your life."

GriefShare is a 13-week, video-based, free class sponsored by churches to help people navigate grief after the loss of a loved one. A workbook accompanies the class, including about five days worth of optional homework, McClary said.

"It's a way to engage them during the week," she said, noting journaling can be a good way to work through emotions and save memories.

Though the classes are biblically-based, attendees do not need to be Christians or members of the church in order to attend.

But it can be a frightening thing to walk through the door of a support group for the first time, McClary said.

"I think the biggest thing that people fear is that they'll cry and that the will lose control, and then they will just be this mess," McClary said. "The nice thing about a support group is crying is welcomed. That is a safe place. ... Nobody is going to judge you ... because everybody is doing the same thing. "

And it can be exceptionally difficult during the holiday season, she said, noting sometimes "the name of the game is just surviving and helping those around you to survive, as well."

"We set such high expectations for ourselves, that we should be able to get through this, that we need to do everything the same as we did before, or that we need to do everything differently," she said. "It is OK to not do anything you did last year. It's a different, unique time in your life."

La Croix is not the only church in the area offering GriefShare. Other classes can be found at www.griefshare.org, which lists meeting times and locations searchable by ZIP code, including the following in the area: St. Paul Lutheran Church in Jackson, Cape County Cowboy Church in Oak Ridge, Advance First Church in Marble Hill, Missouri, and Advance First Church in Advance, Missouri.

New GriefShare classes at La Croix begin Jan. 28 and take place every Tuesday through April 21. For more information or to register, contact Cindy Walton at Cwalton@lacroixchurch.org.

McClary encouraged those considering grief support for the first time to simply try it out.

"Just come," she said. "Just come and see how it is."

Besides the 13-week program, upcoming GriefShare classes include:

• Life After Loss

This is an all-day, workshop-style class open to those experiencing any type of loss, whether it be the loss of health, a job, a loved one, a pet or even the anticipation of a loss. The class is free but organizers are asking folks interested to register so they can best tailor the class to the needs of those who attend.

"It's directed at anyone who is just feeling down about things that are going on in their lives," McClary said. "It's to give people a place to go and a safe area where they can talk about things that they might not want to talk to their family [or friends] about."

When: Jan. 11 from 8:45 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.

Where: La Croix United Methodist Church, 3102 Lexington Ave. in Cape Girardeau

Lunch will be provided. For more information or to register, contact Cindy Walton at Cwalton@lacroixchurch.org.

• Loss of a Spouse

This is a two-hour class directed at those who have lost a spouse, McClary said, but the loss doesn't have to be recent.

"Sometimes it just occurs to you that it would be a good thing to do," McClary said of the support class.

The class includes a take-home booklet with information on how to navigate this type of grief.

When: Jan. 21 from 1 to 3 p.m. or 6 to 8 p.m.

Where: La Croix United Methodist Church, 3102 Lexington Ave. in Cape Girardeau

Contact Cindy Walton at Cwalton@lacroixchurch.org to register.

Individual support

GriefShare is one of many services offered as part of La Croix's Caring Ministry. Another such service is the Stephen Ministry, which is a no-cost, one-on-one, confidential relationship with a Stephen Minister for people experiencing hardship, including grief, divorce, loss of a job, loneliness, hospitalization and terminal illness.

Those facing such hardship -- known within the ministry as "care receivers" -- typically meet with a Stephen Minister on a weekly basis for a length of time ranging from six weeks to a year.

The name "Stephen" comes from St. Stephen, who was the first layperson commissioned by the Apostles to provide caring ministry to those in need, according to www.stephenministries.org. The not-for-profit organization founded in 1975 is based in St. Louis and reaches around the world. More than 13,000 congregations are enrolled in the Stephen Series, representing 183 Christian denominations from all 50 states, 10 Canadian provinces and 30 other countries, according to the website.

Stephen Ministry has been offered at La Croix since 2000, according to Stephen Leader Beverly Rust, who helped start the program. The organization is structured such that leaders help educate, facilitate and train, while ministers offer the one-to-one care.

Pat Johnson, who was a school teacher for 26 years at Cape Girardeau Central High School, has been a Stephen Minister at La Croix for about seven years. She was invited to step into the role by Rust, and after 50 hours of training, Johnson became a Stephen Minister in 2013.

"To me, it's a blessing," Johnson said. "It's a humbling experience knowing I get to walk along someone that's going through a crisis and just hold their hand and be the hands and feet of Jesus."

An important thing to understand about the service, Rust said, is that Stephen Ministers aren't professional counselors or mental health workers. And while a care receiver's journey is completely confidential, it's not the same as professional counseling.

"We're not counselors, we're not professionals, we're just walking beside somebody that's going through a hurting time," Rust said. " ... If someone has an addiction or there's abuse or someone needs a mental health counselor, we are not the people for that. We are strictly a lay ministry."

Like GriefShare, a person interested in receiving care does not have to be a Christian or a church member, Rust said. For more information about Stephen Ministry, or to find local services, visit www.stephenministries.org.

Support in the area

Many support groups in the area meet once a month, including grief support groups through Southeast Hospice, Saint Francis Hospice Services and the Visiting Nurses Association, which has groups in the Missouri communities of Cape Girardeau, Sikeston, Dexter, Kennett and Poplar Bluff.

The Southeast Hospice group is one of the support groups where McClary said she initially sought care after the death of her husband.

Licensed clinical social worker Julie Metzger has been a group facilitator for the Southeast Hospice grief support group since it first began in 1989. Along with a hospital chaplain, Metzger leads the group once a month.

"The purpose is really grief education, to help normalize some of the feelings that people are having because sometimes maybe you don't understand the physical impact [and] the emotional impact [of grief]," Metzger said.

The group meets on the third Wednesday of every month, from 1:30 to about 3 p.m. at Southeast Healthpoint Fitness, 2126 Independence St. in Cape Girardeau. Each month focuses on a different topic, and Metzger said January's topic will be an introduction to grief with "Grief 101."

The group is free and open to anyone in the community who has lost a loved one through death, whether the loss happened recently or long ago.

"I think there's a real benefit, too, in being able to look across the table and see someone [who] survived," Metzger said.

Metzger said what she hopes people get from the group is "accurate information about grief, support, [and] to know they're not alone on this grief journey."

For more information, contact Metzger at (573) 335-6208.

• Stepping Stones Bereavement Support Group

Saint Francis Hospice Services offers a support group on the second Tuesday of each month from 6 to 7 p.m. at the Hospice Services lobby, 14 Doctors Park, Suite B in Cape Girardeau. The group is open to anyone who has suffered a loss and is free to attend.

• Visiting Nurses Association Hospice Grief Support Group

The VNA offers grief support groups throughout Southeast Missouri. Like the others, the group is free to attend and open to anyone in the community at the following locations:

First Tuesday of each month, 3 p.m., Dexter VNA Office, 919 West Business U.S. Highway 60 in Dexter, Missouri

Second Tuesday of each month, 3 p.m., Kennett VNA Office, 1124 Independence Avenue in Kennett, Missouri

Third Tuesday of each month, 3 p.m., Twin Towers Apartments, 508 Bartlett Street in Poplar Bluff, Missouri

Third Tuesday of each month, 3 p.m., Cape Girardeau VNA Office, 145 South Mount Auburn Road in Cape Girardeau

Fourth Tuesday of each month, 3 p.m., Sikeston VNA Office, 607 South Main in Sikeston, Missouri

Part 3 will publish Jan. 12 and focus on how grief can lead to addiction, substance use disorder and other mental health issues.