Safe House to expand its outreach services

Victims of domestic and intimate partner sexual violence, sexual assault or adult survivors of childhood abuse who feel a need to talk to others in similar situations may soon have a source of support if they take action.

Theresa Lumos, a licensed professional counselor at the Safe House for Women, wants to expand services available at the outreach office. She facilitates domestic violence support groups at the Safe House for Women shelter and the outreach office at Plaza Way from 1 to 2:30 p.m. Wednesdays.

Lumos said the current time slot may limit women employed in traditional 9-to-5 jobs, so she plans to offer evening meeting times.

The Safe House is intended to offer a woman the opportunity to get out of a domestic violence situation, whether the abuse comes from a partner or a grown child.

An advocate for group support, Lumos said she feels members are empowered by people in similar situations.

According to the Missouri Coalition against Domestic and Sexual Violence, the greatest similarity similarity between victims of domestic violence is between victims of domestic violence is that the overwhelming majority are women. Females make up are 84 percent of spousal abuse victims and 86 percent of victims at the hands of a boyfriend or girlfriend. The study also found that men are responsible for the vast majority of these attacks -- about 75 percent.

Men can be victims of domestic violence, but are often more reluctant to come forward when they're being abused, Lumos said. "I think that women are more vulnerable because of our culture where men are often raised to be dominant over women."

Lumos said she feels the main reason women are primarily victims is because domestic violence is a cycle.

Domestic violence is often passed down from one generation to the next when young boys see their fathers beating their mothers. The learned behavior is used in their own relationships when they grow up. Women may think their son will see the pain and fear of domestic abuse and avoid that behavior as adults, but usually it does not work that way, Lumos said. When they are toddlers, they must try to make sense of the violence. They learn that their mother must be punished at times, that violence is what men use when they are angry and that women are to be dominated by a man, Lumos said.

To reach the Safe House for Women or for more information, call 335-7745.

cpagano@semissourian.com

335-6611, extension 133

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Two womenÂ’s experiences with domestic violence

Editor's note: The names of women reporting abuse have been changed to protect their identities.

Joanie

Joanie, married at 18 and divorced at 21, said she knew her ex-husband's father had a history of abusing his wife.

Joanie didn't believe her husband would abuse her. "I told him if he ever hit me I'd leave him." She said when he did hit her, she left five days later. The divorce was final after two months.

"He was a charmer who put me up on a pedestal in the beginning. I never would have left him for anything else," Joanie said.

Joanie is different from most victims of abuse. On average, it takes 11 attempts for a victim to finally leave, said Theresa Lumos, a licensed professional counselor at the Safe House for Women.

Violence before she was hit allegedly included shoving, verbal abuse, choking, pushing, punching -- but not regularly.

Joanie said her first reaction to the abuse was to cry, tell him to stop and threaten to leave. "Then he would try to kill himself with a gun. Later I found out it had no bullets," she said.

"Abusers build you up then tear you down, calling you stupid, fat, lazy -- things I was absolutely not. A lot of women actually let their abusers tear them down. I believed in myself. I was raised with a really high self esteem, but not arrogant or cocky. In a way that's what saved me, but support of friends and family played a really large part," she said.

A friend in an abusive relationship and a supportive family were instrumental in Joanie's decision to leave.

Despite the abuse, she said she stayed because she wanted to make the relationship work. He would stop doing it for a while.

She said, "I hoped he would grow up. I took my marriage vows seriously."

The bruises have healed, and Joanie wears sleeveless shirts again. She said she doesn't think of her ex-husband as a monster, but knows his behavior was not right.

"I don't really think I'll find myself in an abusive relationship again," Joanie said. Her prior experience has prepared her for what to look for, she said. In addition to the isolation, the way he talked down about her friends and family, Joanie said she remembered the look in his eyes before he lost it -- one she will not forget.

Joanie began counseling at her mother's suggestion. Individual and group therapy have helped. She said, "It's important that when you fall in love to remember: Is this person worthy of my affection?"

Joanie said she knew she was giving up the college experience and a chance at studying abroad when she married at 18, but didn't regret it. Her dream of studying abroad will still be realized. "I made the deadline and will be able to do my student teaching in Ireland." She admits occasional loneliness, but is enjoying spending time with friends, staying busy and knowing graduation is only a year away.

Victoria

Victoria left when the youngest of her three daughters, who was 3, watched as her mother was allegedly beaten with a handgun until she passed out with injuries to her face and bruises covering her arms and legs.

Victoria lived in another state, and with the help of a cousin, went to a shelter in Texas. "We packed a five-bedroom house up in two hours. The whole way to the shelter I was expecting he'd find us. The kids were scared for the same reason," Victoria said.

The seven years of abuse she said she endured didn't start until the couple had been married seven years. "He got on drugs and things really got bad. He violated the restraining orders eight times and was never arrested. His dad went to school with the sheriff, and he went to school with half the deputies," Victoria said.

Victoria said she still had hope up until she signed the divorce papers because, "I was instilled with all these great family values. I wanted it to work. I thought I couldn't live without him."

Victoria, terrified to go to the shelter, hadn't been alone in 14 years. She said, "I wondered: How will I take care of the kids? Myself?"

He'd made her believe she wasn't capable. "I think the reason I stayed with my husband was because I wasn't strong enough to say no and walk away. He had beat me down, saying I couldn't take care of myself or the kids. I started building myself up after a couple of months paying rent, electricity. I proved I could take care of things," Victoria said.

Victoria said, "Expanding the support groups is wonderful. Theresa's individual counseling is fantastic. You need this to go along with group counseling to deal with things you are scared to bring up in group because you're ashamed or embarrassed. In individual counseling you need to be able to say it out loud, hear it, admit it to yourself. Then you're able to talk to other women. You need the support of other women. You need that one on one."

In time, Victoria met another man and remarried. His death in a trucking accident was the catalyst to evaluate her life.

"I felt I had to be with people like me to deal with things I hadn't dealt with so I wouldn't end up that way again. I knew I had to admit what happened in order to avoid it happening again. You can hold things in for years. One thing I knew was I had four girls and I had to make sure they didn't end up where I did. I had to show my girls it's not right for someone to belittle you. My kids also needed to know there were other children just like them who have seen their mother being beat. But I was one of the lucky ones -- he never hit the kids."

Victoria plans to leave the area soon to attend college. She plans to become a parole officer inside a prison and ensure that women on the outside are protected once their abusers are set free.