SAFE HOUSE A COMFORT FOR WOMEN

Spare the rod, spoil the ... wife?

Such a saying in today's society is unthinkable. But that was the reasoning behind the old saying "Rule of Thumb."

Centuries ago in England the Rule of Thumb meant it was legal for a husband to beat his wife as long as the rod was no larger than the width of his thumb.

Times may have changed, but domestic violence is still one of the most common crimes against women. It crosses the lines of race and social class, and when it happens, can paralyze its victims with fear and self-doubt.

Just ask Rebecca Payne, whose husband beat her during their short-lived marriage.

"We were married for less than a year," she said. "When I saw what was happening, I got myself out. And that's the key, because the abuse gets more frequent and more severe the longer a woman stays."

No longer a victim, Payne's chosen career is to help other women escape abusive relationships.

"People live their lives in fear, and sometimes die from domestic violence," said Payne, who is executive director of the Safe House for Women in Cape Girardeau.

And though she had the courage, support and resources to leave, she understands how difficult leaving is for most battered women.

"It takes an average of five to six times for a woman to leave a violent situation," Payne said. "It takes that long for a woman to receive enough information, self-esteem and independence to feel like she can leave."

The Safe House opened 11 months ago. Cape Girardeau County is one of only 14 counties in the state to have such a facility. And since it's opened, there hasn't been a time when abused wives and their children haven't walked the halls and slept in the beds of the large house.

"We're busy all the time," Payne said.

Woman can stay at the shelter free of charge to escape violent situations in their homes. Sometimes it's the only place they can go to feel safe, and they can go any time of the day or night, Payne said.

The need for a woman's shelter tells itself in statistics. Domestic violence is one of the most common crimes, occurring every 18 seconds in the United States. Six million American women are beaten each year by their husbands or boyfriends, and even more alarming, 4,000 are killed.

Battering is the single major cause of injury to women more frequent than auto accidents, muggings and rapes combined.

Last weekend in Cape Girardeau, Bridgette Harris, her infant son and 49-year-old mother were killed just days after Harris moved into her mother's house and away from a home she once shared with her boyfriend, Andrew Lyons.

Lyons is charged with three counts of first-degree murder in the deaths.

Payne said it's common for abused women to seek shelter at the home of a relative. But she said a women's shelter such as the Safe House can offer 24-hour security, support services, and most importantly, a place where the abuser won't know how to find her. The location of the house is kept confidential.

One of the most important things a woman has to realize to get out of a violent situation is that she's done nothing to deserve the abuse, Payne said. And she needs to know that support services are there to help her.

"No one deserves to be beaten," she said.

Payne explained domestic violence is most often a cycle. Children who grow up in a violent home learn it's acceptable behavior. "And they have major self-esteem problems," she said. Children who witness abuse in the home often, but not always, become abusers and victims themselves.

"Eighty percent of men who are incarcerated in the U.S. were raised in violent homes, so in that way it affects all of society," she said.

The Safe House receives 50 percent of its funding from the Missouri Public Safety Department. The other half comes from donations, Payne said.

"We struggle just to do what we're doing," she said.

Payne said helping victims of abuse is rewarding, especially because she's been there.

"My reward is seeing these women become more independent and self-fulfilled, and seeing them blossom into these wonderful human beings who can take care of themselves," she said.

Leaving abusive situations takes a lot of support, she said. But it's up to the victim to make that first phone call.

"That first phone call is the most important phone call they will make in their lives," she said.

The shelter hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The number is 314-651-1614.