RAISING TEENS: PARENTS FIND RULES CHANGE AFTER PUBERTY

Parents with small children must meet a myriad of demands, but it's not until those children reach their teenage years that the challenges really begin.

The child that was a handful as a toddler can become a defiant, strong-willed rival in the parents' struggle to do their proper job.

But the home doesn't have to be a war zone simply because children reach their teens.

Jim Hicks, a lay minister at St. Andrew Lutheran Church, is responsible for a teen ministry. He said there are a few things parents ought to keep in mind when rearing teens.

"I think one of the critical things is to be ready to admit one's mistakes as a parent," Hicks said. "Kids make mistakes all the time, and part of what they have to learn is how to respond to their mistakes.

"That is best learned by example."

Hicks conceded many parents have difficulty admitting mistakes to their children.

But he said children learn many of life's lessons from the example of their parents. That includes lessons such as humility and forgiveness.

"I think some parents think that if they admit mistakes to kids that that's a sign of weakness," Hicks said. "But as parents we have a powerful influence on our kids.

"They watch our behavior, and I think to be ready to ask your kids to forgive you is an important point. It's a real powerful demonstration to kids."

At the same time, parents must provide their children with a value system that sets out what kind of behavior is and isn't acceptable.

Bill Askew is a counselor in the Cape Girardeau School District and works with drug prevention education.

Askew said parents must establish firm guidelines when it comes to things such as drugs and alcohol.

"Parents need to be consistent and take a no-use attitude," he said.

Askew said recent studies show that more than 60 percent of the youths in substance abuse treatment programs reported that their parents never took such a stand.

"Parents need a program that decides ahead of time that using drugs is wrong, and if kids do use that there will be normal consequences," he said.

Askew said a key to parenting teens is consistent enforcement of rules in the home, which teaches children responsibility.

When a child crosses the line, he must then face the consequences. That's particularly important when it comes to drug and alcohol use.

"When you step in and enable the child (to use drugs and alcohol), the low they have to reach before they get help is much lower," Askew said. "Parents really need to take a stand and let their child know up front what's acceptable and what's not."

Askew said discipline and rules show a child that parents love and care for them. Even when teenagers rebel, they understand they will have to take responsibility for their actions.

"Of course, it's normal for children to stretch those boundaries, but that's OK, because that reaffirms the love of the parents who set the boundaries," Askew said.

"I'm amazed, so many parents don't set those boundaries and think they're doing their kids a service by giving them freedom and individuality.

"But kids need that life rope there for them all the time."

It's also nice to be able to "blame mom and dad" when teens want out of a situation where peers are pressuring them to do something they really don't want to do anyway.

"Those rules are good outs for kids faced with peer pressure," Askew said.

But too often in today's hectic world, where both parents work and spend little time with their teens, guilt overcomes a parent's will to adhere to enforcement of rules.

When a teen rebels, the parent assumes it's because mom and dad haven't given them enough love and attention.

"They want to be their kids' friend," Askew said. "But what their children really want is for them to be a parent.

"They need to set structure or guidelines. It might not be what the child wants at that time, but ultimately it will work."

Askew suggested parents include their teens when making rules and setting the consequences for disobeying them.

"I tell parents to contract with their teenagers," he said. "Allow students to make some of the rules and consequences, then stick to that. Write it out."

Hicks said "networking" with other parents -- talking with the parents of your children's friends -- also helps avoid potential behavior problems.

"Teenagers will make mistakes," he said. "It's part of the learning process. As parents we hope the mistakes they make won't have devastating consequences."

Helping teens avoid those "devastating consequences" is what Randy Rhodes is most concerned about. Rhodes is a juvenile officer for Missouri's 32nd Judicial Circuit.

"We get probably two or three calls a week from parents that just don't know what to do," Rhodes said. "They're in an out-of-control situation."

Many of those calls result in a referral from the juvenile office to one of the local agencies that can provide family counseling for teens and parents.

Often Rhodes and the other juvenile officers have informal sessions with teens and their parents.

"We'll bring the kid down here and just go through the laws," Rhodes said. "We just tell them they have to go along with reasonable rules that the parents set out or they'll end up in our system.

"The thing we try to do is keep the family in control and not put the state in control."

Rhodes said the informal sessions are effective.

"Once they come in and the parents hear what we deal with, it normalizes their kids' behavior a little bit," he said.