PROSECUTOR TELLS OF FUNNY STUFF ON THE JOB

JACKSON, Mo. -- Stories about perjuries and the formation of the Cape Girardeau County Major Case Squad just don't captivate crowds like the case of the spiked milkshake, prosecutor Morley Swingle said.

"If I give a group a choice, they would always rather hear the funny speech," Swingle said.

The milkshake story is one in a list of Swingle's 10 most amusing moments in his 13 years as a prosecutor. He put together the list about a year ago and has presented it as a speaker before clubs and service organizations ever since.

"Part of my philosophy of life is to find humor where I can, even in the midst of gruesome and tragic events," Swingle said. "It's a common means of self-defense in law enforcement that helps you from getting too depressed."

Swingle said he has given "Perry Mason" style names to the cases, and has large poster boards to illustrate the details of his speeches.

The milkshake story involved a police dispatcher who asked a patrol officer to buy her a milkshake. The officer pulled up to a drive-thru in his patrol car to make the order.

After the officer returned with the milkshake, the dispatcher finished about half before noticing several undissolved pills. Panic ensued, and the dispatcher was rushed to the hospital where her stomach was pumped.

Several officers went to the store where the milkshake was purchased, where the owner made a surveillance video available to them. The video showed two former convicts who were working in the store noting that a police car had pulled up, and one remarked that he had spit on the officer's hot dog on his last visit. But this time, they decided to put a laxative in the milkshake, Swingle said.

The convicts, who were on parole, went back to prison for tampering with the milkshake.

"I always get a chuckle when I think about someone asking them What are you in for?' " Swingle said.

Unlucky forger

Another story is the case of the unlucky forger.

A man just out of prison was walking in downtown Cape Girardeau when he saw a checkbook on the seat of an unlocked car. The man stole the checkbook, and went to a pawnshop to sign and cash one of the checks.

The man wrote a check and signed the name of the checkbook's owner -- state Sen. Peter Kinder.

"The person working in the pawn shop had seen the senator in the newspaper, and realized that this muscular African American male in front of him was not the senator," Swingle said.

The case of the unloaded gun involved Cape Girardeau police Lt. Roger Fields, who found a man wanted in another state in the parking lot of a hotel. The suspect took off running when he saw Fields, and the officer ran after him.

When it became clear to Fields that the man would outrun him, Fields pointed his finger like a gun and ordered the man to stop or he'd shoot. The man didn't stop, so Fields yelled "bang."

"The man hit the ground, and Roger goes up and slaps the cuffs on him," Swingle said.

Death row dogs

Then there was the dog on death row.

A man was sentenced to perform eight hours of community service at the Humane Society as punishment for a misdemeanor crime. He had to assist with euthanizing the animals.

After the man went home and drank several beers, he decided to go to the Humane Society and liberate the dogs. He ended up stealing a pit bull, which he brought home.

When sheriff's deputies found the dog, Swingle considered charging the man with burglary and stealing, which could have put him in prison for 14 years. But Swingle said he couldn't do it.

"Before I charge someone, I subject the case to my where's the beef' test," Swingle said. "I tried to picture myself telling a jury that they should convict this man for setting dogs free. I couldn't see myself doing it."