PARTNERS: GAY COUPLE LEARNS TO DEAL WITH CRITICISM

A partnership. That's how Joe and John describe their 17-month relationship.

The two met while in college and live together in a house not far from the university in Cape Girardeau. They agreed to talk with a reporter about the challenges of a gay lifestyle. They asked that substitute names be used.

"We're as committed as any straight couple," said Joe, 23. "We share everything, even financial responsibilities. And if he gets sick, I take care of him."

John, 26, said he and Joe consider themselves a couple. And they have faced criticism he equates as similar to racism.

"I've been called `faggot' on the street, and just the other day I was driving and saw a bumper sticker on a pickup truck that said `AIDS Cures Fags,'" he said. "It doesn't make you feel good."

Both Joe and John grew up in rural towns in Southeast Missouri. They say some of their family members don't know they are gay, and in John's case, he also hasn't told people he works with.

He's afraid he'll lose his job.

"I work with the public and depend on working with the public in my job," he said. "Probably, if it wasn't for my work, I'd be a lot more open than I am."

John said he's known since he was an adolescent that he is gay, but that it didn't stop him from having a long-term relationship with a woman.

"In my case, I knew I was like this in high school," he said. "But I did have a relationship with a girl. In fact, we were engaged for four years. Every time it came time to get married, I couldn't go through with it. I finally decided it wasn't fair to her or me."

John told most of his family about his homosexuality, and most were accepting, he said

But for Joe it was different. He said he struggled for years to come to terms with being gay.

"I went through a very rough period," he said. "I dropped out of school for three years and had a lot of problems. I even contemplated suicide.

"I finally decided it wasn't worth what I was putting myself through. I told my mother, but there are other family members who don't know yet."

Joe said his mother~ was accepting.

"No mother is going to be happy to find out her son is gay, but she's going to let me live my life however I have to live it," he said.

Another family member confronted him.

"She said `If you would happen to be gay, I'd still love you. It wouldn't make any difference to me." Their reactions made it easier for Joe to be open about is homosexuality, he said.

"It's been a year and a half since I really came out. When I finally decided not to fight it, it was amazing," he said. "I started meeting people who felt like I did for the first time."

Joe said some people question him, asking why he chose to be gay when, especially in the Midwest, a gay lifestyle is less accepted, and is often criticized as immoral or even illegal.

"I've felt this way ever since I can remember," he said. "It's not like I decided one day to be gay. A lot of people say `why would you choose to be this way?' I didn't choose."

John and Joe said AIDS and conservative attitudes make it harder for them to live free of worries they will be harassed or discriminated against.

But they say Cape Girardeau has more gay and lesbian residents than most people think, though they tend not to be as visible.

"Straight people go out in social situations more often," said John. "Gay couples get together at people's houses, and we associate with other gay people."

The two said they intend to stay together, someday making their commitment public in a type of ceremony. But Joe said it won't be anything like a traditional marriage ceremony.

"It's not a traditional marriage, and it shouldn't be treated as one," he said. Neither is considering adopting children.

But religion, Joe said, fits into his lifestyle.

"I believe in God. I consider myself a Christian," he said.

Both men have learned to look the other way at criticism and be comfortable with their choice to live a gay lifestyle.

"Until you're comfortable with it yourself, it's hard to deal with other people's reactions," said John. "But as for other people more readily accepting gays, I don't think the struggle is ever going to end."