Online for love

Finding the perfect mate takes some people an entire lifetime, but online dating services are hoping to help speed up the process, particularly now with Valentine's Day approaching.

There are dating services available for every sort of interest: outdoor enthusiasts, pet lovers, Christian singles looking for someone of the same denomination.

Placing personal ads, whether online or in print, is an increasingly viable way of meeting a match for young and older adults alike.

"People with busy lives like to go online," said Dr. Agatha Nnazor, a professor of sociology at Southeast Missouri State University.

But there also are people who prefer traditional face-to-face contact because it means seeing facial expressions, hearing voice intonations in a conversation and reading body language, she said.

Few of the textbooks out now even talk about the increase in online dating, Nnazor said. But it's a growing industry. Studies by comScore Networks showed that 40 million Americans visited online dating sites in June 2003.

There's a difference between just placing a personal ad to find a date and putting out your most personal information to find a soul mate. Placing an ad is impersonal; there's no human contact like you expect in a soul mate. Listing your attributes and the characteristics you seek in a compatible mate requires a certain level of honesty and integrity, said the Rev. Paul Short, pastor of St. Andrew Lutheran Church in Cape Girardeau.

The high divorce rate in America tends to show that many people aren't putting a premium on compatibility when they choose a mate, said Marylyn Warren, senior vice president of eharmony.com.

The eharmony Web site says it's designed to help people "fall in love for the right reasons." Eharmony uses a personality profile component that gauges 29 factors for compatibility, all based on psychology.

"We start from a different place, from the qualities we believe are in all long-term happy marriages," Warren said.

The values that can break up a marriage -- finances, division of household chores, whether or not to have children and parenting roles -- are dealt with at the beginning.

Dealing with crucial issues that can create conflict in a marriage is also the goal of premarital counseling, said Short, who has performed only one wedding of a couple who met online.

Most couples who come for counseling before a wedding take some sort of personality profile or test that covers everything from parenting attitudes, finances and career and education, Short said.

The same is true of online services. Before couples download photos, exchange e-mails and talk about common likes and dislikes, most services require them to complete a profile that sets out their personality types and the qualities they're looking for in a mate.

Profiling online seekers

The majority of online personals users are divorced adults in their mid-30s and 40s, according to industry statistics from Nielsen ratings. But not all are.

James Samons, a student at Southeast Missouri State University, filled out his personals profile on Yahoo.com more out of boredom than as a basis for romance. "I just wanted to see what it was like," he said. He didn't sign up for the $20 e-mail service, so he hasn't received much contact from his ad.

Samons knows other students who have put a personal ad online.

Placing personals online helps people who are shy cut through introductions, he said.

Missouri Christian Singles, which claims it is more of an information exchange service than a true dating service, goes so far as to ask about religious preferences, where you grew up, where you want to live, how you spend leisure time and who pays when a couple goes on a date.

Computer dating services don't seem to be effective because "the human mind is so complex," said Mark S. Gietzen, director and founder of the Christian Singles firm. "The reason that we've been successful and the longest in business of all the nationwide singles groups is that we've left the decision-making entirely in the hands of the people."

Gietzen's firm finds suitable matches for its clients but lets them make the initial contact. "You'd be surprised at some of the matches that go through here, but yet there they are 10 years later still writing that they wouldn't have found each other any other way."

Eharmony.com has had 3 million users join its service but tells its clients "it's up to you to find out which one is really right for you," Warren said. "We're trying to make people more thoughtful and aware of the kind of things that are important in looking for a marriage partner."

Testing compatibility and talking about these important issues can help couples gain some insight into their relationship, Short said. "We try to give them some framework to deal with those issues. It won't solve all the problems that come up."

Short said most couples over age 30 and couples entering second marriages already have an understanding of how important it is to ask questions about pets, household chores and finances. Just asking those questions "can make mountains of difference in a relationship," he said.

ljohnston@semissourian.com

335-6611, extension 126