Husband desperate to avoid divorce

Dear Lee: I'm a pharmacist who enjoys helping others. During my 19-year marriage, I've been a good provider for my family.

But I've also blamed my wife for almost everything. Several years ago, I stepped out on her. She tells me she cannot trust me. She wants to know why I stepped out on her. I don't have a good answer; I made a big mistake.

She tells me she's been hurt so much that she's had enough; she's done all the trying, and I've failed to listen. When I mention she hasn't tried enough, she gets upset.

I've been in counseling, and together we went through Retrouvaille, a Christian program for reconciling marriages. However, when she failed to pledge commitment to reconciling, the counselor ended our sessions.

I recognize I've created many hurts in our marriage. I've asked God for forgiveness and feel change has happened.

But no matter what I do or say, she doesn't take notice! She doesn't want any flowers, cards, etc.

Two months ago, my wife filed for divorce. What a devastating experience! I tell her divorce isn't the answer to our problems.

I asked our close friends and family to send her a note or prayer -- anything to show support and love. She told me I should have asked her how she'd feel before I did that. Our daughters also thought it was negative. I just tried to do something to make her think that divorce might not be right!

We still function very well as a family, despite the divorce proceedings. I still live in our home. She wants me to leave, but I stay to wait for God to heal her heart.

Our divorce is one month from now. What can I do? I love God and feel He's forgiven me, but my wife won't let go of the past and forgive me. I know our marriage can work with work. Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: After heaping abuse on your wife for years, you tried changing ONLY when she finally stopped tolerating it. No healthy person would trust you yet.

Please remember: our sins aren't primarily against others, but against God. And our sins often wound others' faith in God -- for which we deserve death! Instead, if we seek forgiveness, God has mercy on us. But then God expects US to forgive others.

Perhaps your wife believed that God required her to endure your abusiveness patiently. Actually, God wants us to hold others accountable to stop their sinful behaviors.

Yes, God hopes she'll just separate from you, to have time to work on her own issues and determine if you've truly changed. However, she's chosen divorce as the certain way to end this painful marriage.

Without endorsing divorce, consider honoring her CHOICE. Pleading and sending cards or flowers only seem abusively manipulative to her -- and enlisting others also to condemn her is spiritual battery. Mature men completely accept responsibility for their lying, cheating, and abusiveness. Your wife needs space, so move out -- quietly; don't weep, make threats, or become violent (that's evil!).

Without self-righteously judging your wife, share your grief briefly with coworkers and friends. But rant and wail only with your counselor.

Put your grief in perspective! Every week, I receive dozens of confidential prayer requests from people dying of cancer, seeking missing children, experiencing violent persecution overseas, or serving in the armed forces. Your divorce experience can energize you to pray more earnestly for those in daily, life-threatening danger.

If you honor your wife by commending her to God's caring guidance, and relentlessly seek self-transformation, perhaps someday your wife will trust you again. Lovingly, let her go.

Rejoice! A brand new year stretches before you. Continue to help people and bring them joy.

And so should WE, Dear-Lee-Beloved Readers! Have a TRULY Happy New Year!

Write "Dear Lee" at P.O. Box 697, Cascade, ID 83611; or email at dearlee@ctcweb.net.