FAMILIES LEARN TO SUCCEED; NEW COUNSELING SERIES REACHES OUT

Giving up drugs and alcohol 15 months ago was one of the hardest things Callie Coplan has ever done. She also discovered changing her life was going to be a continuing struggle.

"I don't trust people who tell me they've changed and it's been easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done," she said.

Coplan and her 15-year-old daughter had problems adjusting to her newly-sober lifestyle. They are enrolled in a new program at the Community Counseling Center in Cape Girardeau called "Families Learning to Succeed."

They volunteered to go public with their story so others in the same situation could see there is a way out. The center keeps names of people who participate in the program confidential.

Coplan, 39, struggled with alcohol and drug addiction for 25 years before she was able to successfully complete a rehabilitation program.

After completing treatment last year at a Cape Girardeau hospital, she has remained drug and alcohol free for more than a year. But after her treatment, problems between she and daughter, Dallas, became too much to handle.

"I was used to being in control," Dallas said. "She was never around to tell be what to do, so I was used to making my own decisions and basically doing what I wanted.

"After she got sober, she wanted to make the rules. All of a sudden, I had to be home at a certain time. Things were really tense."

Coplan agrees.

"Our lifestyle was going through so much change," she said. "I was stuck in a power mode where I made the rules. I looked at (parenting) from the standpoint of `I have rights and you don't.'"

Coplan, of Sikeston, found out about the Families Learning to Succeed classes through social worker Sherry Eakers, who now directs the program at the counseling center. Now five weeks into counseling, Coplan and her daughter say they're on their way to a better relationship.

"I was really interested in getting some counseling for my daughter and myself," Coplan said. "And this has given me a different way of looking at parenting. It focuses on mutual respect."

The classes are held once a week. Adults learn how to better handle stress and anger, and how to build a better relationship with their child.

The children, who meet separately from the parents, also learn how to handle conflict without lashing out.

"We talk about how to relax and control stress in good ways instead of acting out," Dallas said, "like exercising when we get mad instead of fighting."

"She works out a lot now," her mother said.

Eakers said people who struggle with alcohol and drug addiction are often hard on themselves when it comes to parenting. Many times, the children have taken on the role of the parent.

"I think every parent expects perfection from themselves, but it is especially difficult when there was a dependency problem.

"Many of them are struggling with a generational problem. They're doing things the way their parents did them, and often times they came from a dysfunctional home. They need to lighten up on themselves and look at things from a different perspective," said the counselor.

Eakers said parents and children are taught that they both have certain rights and responsibilities.

"We talk more about our mistakes now, and it's really new to me to admit I was wrong," Coplan said. "My mother was one of those people who never changed her mind and never admitted when she was wrong. So that's the way I was.

"My favorite answer when Dallas asked why was `Because I'm the mommy.' It's hard to change an attitude you've had for so long."

Dallas said her relationship with her mother has changed for the better, although there are still problems. She said they are both trying to compromise and respect each other's wishes.

"I'm really proud of her," Dallas said. "When she was using, I couldn't wait until I could move out. Now it's not like that.

"She lets me make my own decisions, and we're more like friends. But I still know she has the final say in things."

The classes are free to participants and are funded by the state through the Children's Trust Fund. The next series of classes begins in early July.