Emotion, finances keep women with abusive partners

"Cass" knew her husband's behavior was irrational -- and potentially dangerous.

He questioned her when she put on makeup or shaved her legs before work.

He bugged her van and confronted her with the recordings, claiming he could hear a man's voice in the vehicle with her -- a voice no one else could hear.

He sent her text messages all day, threatening to kill himself. Eventually, he threatened to kill her.

His behavior scared her, but he'd suffered a stroke recently, and his personality had changed. Maybe it would change back.

Besides, where would she and her five children -- four of them living with her -- go if she left?

"The scariest part is getting out of the situation, and it's like, 'What do I do after that? Who can help me after that?'" Cass said, speaking on condition of anonymity.

The Safe House for Women in Cape Girardeau helped Cass obtain a restraining order against her husband and acquire furniture and other necessities for a new home.

They also connected her with counselor Mary Robertson, who helped rebuild her shaken confidence.

Numbers

Last year, police officers in Missouri responded to 41,494 reports of domestic violence, according to the Missouri State Highway Patrol. In Cape Girardeau County alone, police handled 505 domestic violence calls; Scott County's total was even higher, at 659.

Domestic violence cuts across all races, income levels, ages and educational levels, said Robertson, the Safe House counselor.

Robertson's oldest client is 70; the youngest is 14.

"There's no educational level that doesn't have this happen. We have ladies with masters' degrees that teach at a university. There's no educational level or class in our society that domestic violence doesn't happen in," Robertson said. "Doesn't matter how religious people are or how pagan people are, and really, every woman has a different story."

According to a 2009 survey by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 32.9 percent of women and 28.2 percent of men have experienced some form of physical violence at the hands of an intimate partner.

Those numbers may be a little misleading, however: The CDC's definition of physical violence includes shoving and slapping as well as more forceful acts such as beating, choking or kicking.

In a breakdown of violence by type, the agency's numbers reveal women were far more likely than men to be victims of severe physical abuse -- for instance, 11.2 percent of women reported being beaten, compared to just 2.6 percent of men.

That matches Cape Girardeau detective Debi Oliver's observations.

"We do have women that are violent," Oliver said. "Primarily what I deal with, by the time it comes to me, it is the male perpetrator and the female victim."

In Southeast Missouri, domestic violence made national headlines in June, when Clay Waller of Jackson pleaded guilty to the 2011 murder of his estranged wife, Jacque.

In a diary recovered from a laptop computer found in her abandoned SUV, Jacque Waller had written that her husband had threatened to kill her if she divorced him.

'Like an addiction'

The threat of more serious violence keeps many women in abusive relationships, said Becky Holloway, court advocate and case manager for Safe House.

Because abusers have made good on previous threats, their victims believe them when they say they will kill them if they leave, Oliver said.

Economic concerns are another barrier, she said.

Some victims try to stop police from arresting their abusers because they have no source of income if the household's only breadwinner goes to jail, Oliver said.

She also described what experts call the "wheel of violence," a metaphor for understanding abuse.

Power and control are at the center of the wheel, Oliver said. Physical violence makes up the outside of the wheel, with isolation, emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, threats, intimidation and other forms of manipulation forming the spokes.

"My experience has been most women love their partners. They want the violence to stop. They still love their partner; they just want the violence to stop," Oliver said. "The relationship did not start out violent. It escalated to violence, so the victim is wanting to go back to the love in the relationship, and a really good abuser is going to mix the intimacy, the love and the violence."

Robertson compared abusive relationships to drug addiction.

"For a lot of people, being in a domestic violence situation is almost like an addiction," she said. "They don't know how to get out of it. It's difficult to take the first step because it's so scary."

Fear is a huge obstacle, Cass said.

"The fear of being alone. That's scary. The fear of doing it yourself," she said.

Victims typically leave their abusers five to seven times before they end the relationship for good, Oliver said.

Individual counseling dramatically reduces the likelihood that women will return to an abusive partner, Robertson said.

"If they don't come through our system, they don't get the things they need to start a new life," she said.

In addition to low self-esteem, Robertson said many women have serious social or intellectual needs as a result of isolation by their abusers.

"A lot of clients don't even know what they need," she said. " ... Once they figure out what their needs are, they start to blossom and bloom."

A way out

Holloway and Oliver help victims develop safety plans.

Some are escape plans; others involve techniques for making the situation less dangerous, such as getting a cellphone for emergencies and hiding it from the abuser, Holloway said.

"Sometimes when we're talking about safety plans, for some victims, staying may be safer," Oliver said.

Oliver recommends victims keep copies of birth certificates, Social Security cards, driver's licenses, insurance information, Medicaid cards, passports, children's vaccination records and other important papers at someone else's house.

Mothers with small children should keep cash and a set of keys in a diaper bag in case they need to leave quickly, she said.

How to help

Until a victim is ready to leave, no one can force her out of a violent relationship, Robertson said.

"People aren't ready for help until they make the first move to get it," she said.

That doesn't mean bystanders can't help.

Oliver, Holloway and Robertson all encourage people to call 911 if they see abuse.

"If you're seeing someone get assaulted, call the police. Let them do that. They're trained to help that," Holloway said.

If the abuse occurs in a moving vehicle -- what police refer to as a "rolling domestic" -- get the license-plate number, a description of the vehicle and its location and call police, who can use the information to track down the perpetrator, Oliver advised.

In cases in which abuse is suspected but not directly witnessed, a conversation with the victim can be helpful, Oliver said.

"If it's possible to get the person or the victim alone, tell them about the resources. Ask them point-blank: 'Is he hurting you? Is he physically harming you?'" she said. " ... The only thing you can do is offer the resources. Follow up, and offer them again. When a person is ready to leave, they will eventually leave the relationship."

Oliver said officers respond immediately if they are called to a domestic disturbance, no matter who makes the report.

"As long as we keep educating the public about the available resources, we will get people realizing that they have a role to play. If you see it, report it. We will not get tired of taking the calls for service," she said.

epriddy@semissourian.com

388-3642

How to help

* Call 911 immediately if you witness domestic violence.

* If the abuse occurs in a car, give police the license plate number, a description of the vehicle and its location if possible.

* If you suspect abuse, try to get the victim alone and ask about it.

* Make the victim aware of resources such as Safe House for Women, which can be reached 24 hours a day at 800-341-1830.

Safe House for Women in Cape Girardeau offers:

* Counseling

* Assistance filing orders of protection

* Vouchers for basic necessities such as child care or household goods

* Referrals for mental health, addiction treatment and other services

* Help obtaining resources such as Medicaid; food stamps; shelter; education; and homes for pets

Sources: Debi Oliver; Safe House for Women