CAPE ONCE HAD SHIPS, CANNONS BUT GAVE THEM AWAY; MAYOR NAMES HONORARY CAPTAINS*

* This story is full of facts. Really. But this is just for fun. Really.

Could Cape Girardeau really protect itself from invading marauders?

Southeast Missourian editor Joe Sullivan believes the city should be on its guard, what with the planned invasion by the Time Warner Empire next week.

Time magazine will host a community forum Wednesday as part of a series of stops along the Mississippi River. Sullivan thinks the magazine's visit will torpedo the town's good image by focusing on negative publicity generated by last summer's melee on Good Hope Street.

To prevent such a disaster, Sullivan has issued a community call to arms. He wants the city to gird itself in good will and tales of random acts of kindness in order to block the empire's advance.

Once upon a time, four cannons guarded the Common Pleas Courthouse overlooking the river. And Southeast Missouri State University once displayed two captured German cannons and a Civil War cannon. The entire arsenal was donated to the World War II scrap-iron effort.

If there are any other weapons readily available, City Manager Michael Miller doesn't know about them. "I suppose we could dig around out by Fort D and see if there's anything buried out there."

Miller guaranteed his loyalty to the city even though he's lived here less than five years. But the city has been careful about sharing information with Miller.

"They only tell me so much a year," he said. Even so, Miller promised to stand behind "the admiral mayor and the councilmen, who I assume would be vice admirals" in the fight to save the city.

Personnel at the Common Pleas Courthouse once used signals and flags to communicate to the city's four forts during the Civil War. Only Fort D remains, but there is a cupola atop the courthouse that might make a good lookout point.

Other sentries could be stationed at Cape Rock and the Mississippi River bridge. The bridge was used similarly during the 1940s. A sentry was posted on the bridge in case the Japanese tried to invade the region from the south.

About the only other thing the city needs are military strategists.

Believe it or not, they're already in place. They just need to be activated.

The strategists, called captains in Ensign Girardot's Navy, have been duly commissioned for years by Cape Girardeau mayors as an honorary designation for noted visitors to the city.

The group is named for French Ensign Jean B. Girardot, who founded the first settlement here, a trading post, around 1773.

"We reserve it basically for bestowing upon guests of the community," said Mayor Al Spradling III. "We don't have a key to the city, so we pass out these."

Spradling has named about five captains since he became mayor in 1994, including space shuttle astronaut Linda Godwin of Oak Ridge and astronaut Jim Lovell of Apollo 13 fame.

Spradling wondered if Lovell, as an honorary captain, would help the city, seeing as how the U.S. Navy had already made him an admiral when he received the city's honor.

"He had to come down a little bit to accept it," Spradling said.

Lovell might be willing, however, since the city is home to a NASA Educator Resource Center at 222 N. Pacific St. The center works in conjunction with Southeast Missouri State University and offers experts and educational materials in science, math and technology.

The city has other resources that could come in handy if an invasion were imminent. Like Honker's Dock, for instance. As Spradling pointed out, "You need a dock" if you've got a navy.

A navy also needs ships. But don't look to City Manager Miller for navigation techniques.

"The only ship I've ever really commanded before was a 12-foot-long yellow canoe," he said. Despite his inexperience, Miller said he would be willing to call upon the Cape Girardeau Fire Department to use the one boat in its transportation fleet.

"I think it's red, if it matters," he said.

The U.S. Navy once had a transporter christened the S.S. Cape Girardeau, but the 417-foot vessel was given to the British in 1944 and participated in the D-day invasion of Normandy as the H.M.S. Empire Spearhead.

There also have been three river steamboats named for the city, but city officials are unsure what condition those are in. All were owned by the Eagle Packet Co. of St. Louis.

Two of them sank, and the third operated until 1932 before being sold to Greene Line Steamers of Cincinnati in 1935. The company promptly renamed the steamboat the Gordon C. Greene.

All in all, Sullivan said the city is in a good position should military force become necessary against the Time Warner invasion armada.

But the community should be involved, he insisted.

As he has learned since spawning the much-talked-about Downtown Riverfront Golf Course project, the one thing a good idea needs most is exposure.

"I learned two things when I started writing in my column about the golf course," said Sullivan. "First, some people took that idea seriously. They didn't know I was joking. Second, some people had a lot of ideas about how the golf course should be designed. That could happen again," he said.

Spradling doesn't have much to say about the golf course. But he has his own ideas about what the city needs to protect herself against invaders, regardless of what empire they're from.

"We need more armaments," he said. "We don't have enough cannons."