BUCKING THE SYSTEM: VOLUNTEERING TO COOK THANKSGIVING MEAL NOT MY BEST IDEA

* Although I recognize I'm out of my league, I'm too much like my dad to throw in the towel.

Sometimes I wonder how I can fit such a big foot into my mouth without causing fatal injuries.

My most recent foot-to-mouth incident took place three weeks ago, but won't be coming to pass for five more days.

In case you haven't figured it out, in five days it will be Thanksgiving. Think a little longer, and you'll realize my problem is that I'm supposed to cook dinner for the family.

For the first time. Ever.

I really don't know what caused me to volunteer for this gig. It literally just popped out of my mouth before I could catch it, sort of like an inopportune, extremely loud belch at a very important dinner party with your boss."So Mom, how about letting me do Thanksgiving this year?"What was I thinking? I'm not ready for this. Besides, I'm a firm believer in letting Mom cook as long as God enables her to correctly recognize the turkey, season the dressing and bake a sweet potato pie.

By the time she loses those skills, I will have been promoted from setting the table and stirring the pots to a more demanding role in the kitchen.

My mom has offered several times to let me off the hook, graciously saying she just enjoys all the hard work that goes into cooking for her family. Sure she does.

My sister is a little more obvious and obnoxious with her opinions."Momma, you know Tamara can't cook, so why don't you just say so? If she has to cook, I think you should fix a backup dinner, just in case."I love my sister, really I do. But I advise her to make sure her dressing isn't too green before she eats it. Poison kills much quicker than indigestion.

Although I recognize I'm out of my league, I'm too much like my dad to throw in the towel. I'm determined to do my best to make this Thanksgiving dinner good, or at least a nondisaster.

I've been on the Internet all week, looking for the very best recipes. I've already got my dinner planned, down to the flavor of the Kool-Aid I'll be serving. I've also written up my shopping list, including all necessary spices and other ingredients that might become necessary.

My husband, Patrick, also is doing his part to help out. He's been informed that I refuse to cook chitterlings even I recognize some things are best left to the experts so he's been calling around looking for someone who'll clean them for him.

I hope they plan to cook them for him, too.

As for me, this weekend will be spent cleaning every nook and cranny of my house. Susie Homemaker I'm not, but I've seen how my mom works to make sure the house is spotless on every major holiday, even when my family is the only houseguest she's expecting.

As for the food, I know I'm not the best cook, but I think it'll be all right. I'm known for my determination and sticktoitiveness, and I have or will have enough gadgets in the kitchen to make sure the meat's not bleeding and the dressing's not runny.

And if all else fails, I live in a city where you can order Thanksgiving dinner if you run into too many problems.

Thank God for superstores.

Tamara Zellars Buck is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian