ADOPTION: JUST A DIFFERENT WAY TO HAVE A FAMILY

The word "adoption" need not conjure up negative images of unwanted children torn from their biological mothers and placed in the arms of well-meaning, but often naive adoptive parents.

In fact, for many people who have gone through the process, adoptive families differ little from any other. If parenting skills are strong and ample love is present in the home, adopted children grow to be well-adjusted, productive adults.

Even birth mothers, who give up their child for adoption, can see their choice as a selfless one that brings immense joy to the adoptive parents.

Ellen, who asked to remain anonymous, decided to put her child up for adoption after she became pregnant her freshman year at Southeast Missouri State University.

"I considered abortion, but I had to have an ultrasound, and as soon as I saw the picture of the baby, I left," she said. "I'm very glad I did."

Ellen began to work with Lutheran Family Services in Cape Girardeau when she was about three months pregnant. Through the agency's help, she was well prepared for what she had to face in December 1990 when she gave birth to a boy.

"Around October or November, I started looking at profiles of four or five prospective families," she recalled. "I got to pick the family. Basically, I knew everything about them, their interests and hobbies, the kind of job they had.

"I felt like they were really the perfect family."

Knowing intellectually that an adoptive family will be able to provide for your child is one thing, but convincing your heart is another. And when Ellen spent two days in the hospital with her newborn son, she found it difficult to give the child up.

"It was real hard," she said. "I really enjoyed the time I was pregnant, because I felt that was the only time I was going to have him.

"The hardest thing was the day I left the hospital, because he had to stay there another day," she added. "What upset me the most is that I was leaving him there and he had nobody to hold him. The thing that kept me going, though, was I knew how happy I was going to make this couple."

As an adopted child herself, Ellen said she realized the adoptive parents could provide a loving, structured family environment that she'd be unable to give.

"I really felt happy to give this couple something my own birth mother gave to my adoptive parents," she added. "So many people see this as a really selfish decision that I would give up my baby because I didn't want to have to take care of him.

"But that's really backwards. I think it's really one of the most selfless things you can do. I didn't want my baby growing up on welfare."

Kathy and Joel Pinnt of Cape Girardeau would agree with Ellen. They have two adopted children, Amy, 5, and Scott, 4.

They waited about five years from the time they decided they wanted children, found out they were unable to have biological children, started the adoption process and finally got Amy.

Even then, there were concerns about the baby, who was born premature and had a low birth weight.

"She had been in the hospital for three weeks and had a hole in her heart, so I was a little nervous," said Kathy Pinnt. "She was under weight and I wondered if she'd have any problems with development."

As it turned out, the heart healed and Amy soon caught up to other children her age.

Pinnt said the mother of her second adopted child met her and Joel before the adoption.

"She handed Scott to me, which was really neat and special," she said. "For a 17-year-old to hand over her child would be tough."

Pinnt said she would encourage other couples unable to have biological children to adopt.

"There are so many children that need homes," she said. "If you don't think maybe you can handle adoption, you could be foster parents. There also are special needs and multi-racial children who need adoptive parents.

"I think people wonder if they can love these children that are not theirs," she added. "But you see this little child, who's so dependent on you, and you can't help but love them."

The adoption of "special needs" children enables children who typically aren't the first chosen by most adoptive parents to find loving homes. But those who do adopt the children, don't look at them as "special needs" children, only special.

Julia Davis and her husband adopted three siblings when they were 3, 2 and 1.

"When we set out to adopt, the way we felt was every kid in the world has special needs," she said. "That doesn't rule them out. When we adopted our three children, there were 35 other families that wanted these three children."

Penny Johns said she and her husband didn't adopt their 3-year-old son because of compassion for him, but because they wanted a baby.

"For each child, there's 40 homes," Johns said. "The child's giving me the chance to be a parent.

"Adoption is just a different method of creating a family to come up with the same end result. We have the same desires (to be parents) as everybody else, but we just have to go about it differently."

The Rev. Craig Nessan and his wife, Cathy, have adopted six children, all of different races. Nessan said his family "certainly gets noticed," which gives him the opportunity to try to educate people about adoption.

He said that too often, people have the view that adoption is a less desirable way to raise a family.

"People also cannot understand how someone could choose to have a child and then give that child up for adoption," Nessan said. "But our experience with birth mothers is that they're doing it out of love. I think people need to be educated about the motives of birth mothers.

"I would encourage young women in problem pregnancies to take more seriously the option of adoption as a loving thing to do," he added. "There are a lot of loving families that would raise them with tenderness and compassion."

Nessan said adoptive parents also have to explain adoption to their children and, in his family's case, prepare them for prejudice.

"The more they're subject to prejudice, the more the challenge to us is to make sure our children feel good about themselves and their background," he said. "The only difference between biological parents and adoptive parents is that you have to teach your child his past history and help the kids feel comfortable with themselves."

Bernard and Beverly Dirnberger have six children three biological and three adopted siblings. They've had to adjust not only to raising adopted siblings, but to the strains of sibling rivalries among adopted and biological children.

But Bernard Dirnberger said "it's worked out pretty well so far."

"There are a lot of challenges, but our heads are still above water," said Beverly Dirnberger.

The adoptive families convey a common theme: Although there are differences between biological and adoptive families, the most important components remain constant.

"You just do the best you can... and pray," said Nessan.

Ellen said: "I was adopted and I think my parents raised us to grow up to think we were really special. It's worked well for me. I love my mom and dad."