Adopted student's search ends with no contact

A tearful Kristyn Capelli left work early when she got the news: Her birth mother didn't want anything to do with her -- no letters, no phone calls, no reunion.

The news devastated the 21-year-old Southeast Missouri State University student from Manchester, Mo., who had dreamed of tracking down her birth parents ever since high school.

She was overcome with emotions. "You are angry. You are hurt. You are confused," she said.

She said her emotions resembled those of someone who learned of a death in the family.

Capelli spent $425 to search for her parents. She filled out an application to Catholic Services for Children and Youth in St. Louis, the agency that had handled her adoption in 1983.

Of the money she spent, $75 went to the agency to initiate the search. The rest was paid to a search consultant to find the birth parents and notify them of Capelli's desire to meet them.

Capelli's sorority sisters at Southeast's Sigma Sigma Sigma gave her $500 in $5 bills late last fall to pay for the search.

In January, post-adoption specialist Maryanne Lally of Catholic Services counseled Capelli about the possible outcomes. Not every search has a happy ending, she said.

For some birth mothers, giving up a child for adoption is something they haven't shared with their husbands or their other children. Trying to explain the situation to other children in a family can be difficult, Lally said.

"That becomes a major obstacle," she said.

Capelli tried to picture all the possibilities. But in her heart, she said, she was preparing for a reunion. She was preparing to meet someone who would be a friend and who would be at her wedding.

Four weeks ago, she telephoned St. Louis social worker Marilyn Graham, who had been hired by Catholic Services to conduct the search.

Graham informed Capelli that the birth mother didn't want to see her or communicate with her in any way.

Capelli said she broke down in tears at the Center for Health and Counseling, where she was working as a student intern.

The search stopped there.

Under Missouri law, both the adoptive parents and the birth parents have to give permission before adoption records can be opened under a court order. Capelli's adoptive parents, Mark and Mary Jo Capelli, gave their consent.

Since permission is needed from both birth parents for their identities to be disclosed, Capelli said, there was no reason for Graham to continue the search and contact her birth father.

State law allows adoptees to pursue a formal post-adoption search every three years. But Capelli doubts she'll try again.

"Once is enough for me to deal with all of this," she said.

Despite the outcome, Capelli has no regrets.

"I am glad I searched," she said.

She said her friends, fiance and faith have helped her cope with the situation. And she's lived 21 years without knowing her birth mother and birth father. She said she's told herself she can continue living that way.

The raw emotions that were there a month ago are no longer visible. She keeps busy looking to the future, not the immediate past.

Capelli will graduate May 14 with a bachelor's degree in social work. She and her fiance, senior Jon Noory of St. Louis, plan to get married next year.

"Life will go on," she said softly.

mbliss@semissourian.com

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