Abuse survivor advises others to watch for red flags

"Sue" left her ex-husband about a year ago, after enduring mental and physical abuse for 10 of the 12 years she was with him.

The abuse didn't start immediately, and it didn't start with hitting or kicking, she said. It started with insults and attempts to control her dress and social interactions.

Today, Sue is less tolerant of controlling behavior. She said she knows the red-flag behaviors in a relationship, and at the first sign of trouble, she's out.

"If I see the signs that you don't take care of your mom, cuss your mom out, I'm not dealing with you," she said.

She advises other women to do the same.

"Be aware of the signs and how they act and how they treat you. If they flip-flop within 20 minutes of you meeting them? Leave them alone. Let them be," she said.

Safe House for Women has a list of "relationship red flags" that indicate an intimate partner could become violent.

When entering a new relationship, keep an eye out for:

* Excessive attachment -- for instance, calling a new partner a "soul mate" or similar during the first few weeks of a relationship.

* Jealousy or possessive behavior.

* A history of failed relationships or an inability to keep many friends.

* Lying, even about small things.

* A relationship that switches from "hot" to "cold" and back quickly.

* Inability to keep a job.

* Frequent financial problems.

* Taking money or secretly using a partner's credit cards.

* Making a partner feel guilty for time spent on friends, family or outside interests.

* Belittling or humiliating a partner.

* Anger that seems out of proportion to whatever triggered it.

* Pretending nothing happened after an angry outburst.

* Shifting blame.

* Threats, name-calling, hitting, shoving, punching walls or breaking things.

* Pressure to quit or change jobs, move or end friendships or other relationships.

* Difficulty dealing with authority figures.

* Stalking.

* Diminished self-esteem.

* A gut feeling that something isn't right.

If the relationship seems dangerous, get out, Sue advises.

"I would tell them to stay strong and be positive and to get out," she said. "Please get out, because it can only get worse. If you stay, you could die. Bottom line, you will be dead. And especially if there are children -- please get out for your children, and make sure your children are safe."

epriddy@semissourian.com

388-3642