Speak Out: Freaking Funny Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Thu, Jan 23, 2014, at 8:44 PM:

Replies (13)

  • More truth than a joke:

    Sometime

    this year, we taxpayers will again receive

    another 'Economic Stimulus'

    payment.

    This is

    indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain

    it by using a Q & A

    format:

    Q.

    What is an 'Economic Stimulus'

    payment?

    A. It is

    money that the federal government will send to

    taxpayers.

    Q.

    Where will the government get this

    money?

    A. From

    taxpayers.

    Q. So

    the government is giving me back my own

    money?

    A. Only a

    smidgen of it.

    Q.

    What is the purpose of this

    payment?

    A. The

    plan is for you to use the money to purchase

    a;

    high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the

    economy.

    Q. But

    isn't that stimulating the economy of

    China?

    A. Shut

    up.

    Below

    is some helpful advice on how to best help the

    U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check

    wisely:

    * If

    you spend the stimulus money at Walmart, the

    money will ;go to

    China or Sri Lanka.

    * If

    you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to

    the Arabs.

    * If

    you purchase a computer, it will go to India,

    Taiwan or

    ; China.

    * If

    you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to

    Mexico, Honduras and

    Guatemala.

    * If you

    buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or

    Korea.

    * If you

    purchase useless stuff, it will go to

    Taiwan.

    * If you

    pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will

    go ;to

    management bonuses and they will hide it

    offshore.

    Instead,

    keep the money in America

    by:

    1)

    Spending it at yard sales,

    or

    2) Going

    to ball games, or

    3)

    Spending it on prostitutes,

    or

    4) Beer

    or

    5)

    Tattoos.

    (These are

    the only American businesses still operating in

    the U.S.)

    Conclusion:

    Go to a

    ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you

    met at a yard ;sale and

    drink beer all day !

    No

    need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of

    help.

    ;

    -- Posted by rocknroll on Fri, Jan 24, 2014, at 1:45 PM
  • It was so cold, we had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords.

    What is the opposite of a cold front? A warm back.

    What's the difference between 'weather' and 'climate'? You can't 'weather' a tree, but you can 'climate'!

    -- Posted by fxpwt on Fri, Jan 24, 2014, at 4:11 PM
  • It's so cold flashers are just describing themselves.

    And for some more pure corn fxpwt:

    It was so cold I saw a chicken cross the road with a capon.

    Ugh!

    -- Posted by rocknroll on Fri, Jan 24, 2014, at 4:24 PM
  • heheheh - sliders. We used another term of endearment for them - rectum rockets.

    -- Posted by fxpwt on Fri, Jan 24, 2014, at 4:30 PM
  • I have a true story about the last time I ate White Castle. I'll try to be delicate but I'm sure the tale I tell is not foreign to most people whether it was White Castle or some other gastronomic mistake:

    Back in my ill repute single days I was in the city for a party weekend. After a long night of many,many beers it seemed like good idea to drop about a dozen White Castles into that pool of Budwieser. I had a spot on the couch at a friend and his wife's place. Around dawn I awoke with a "Huh"? That was followed immediately with "uh-oh". Starting to get the drift here? I jumped off that couch and headed to the bathroom,dropped the boxers,sat down and just as was I about to ungrit my teeth I spotted the 4" pipe that the toilet normally sits on....across the room!! My buddy was remodeling and my throne was sitting on the floor connected to nothing. Out here in the country that's not a problem but up there the houses were about ten feet apart and a street light at the curb. Panic and a full body sweat was coming on quick. He did have another bathroom but it was at the back of the house and I had to go through their bedroom. No time for door knocking and other protocol,I barged through the door and did a leap right over an occupied king sized bed any movie stunt man would be proud of. Did mention my boxers were still down? Bounced off a dresser and made it in time,barely. Seen the movie Dumb and Dumber? I still get the willies just passing a White Castle. His wife told me later she would pay for a motel next time.

    -- Posted by rocknroll on Fri, Jan 24, 2014, at 6:39 PM
  • SOME GREAT HOLLYWOOD SQUARES JOKES

    Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

    Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

    Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

    Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

    Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

    Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

    Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

    Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

    Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

    Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

    Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

    Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

    Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

    Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

    -- Posted by rocknroll on Sat, Jan 25, 2014, at 6:00 AM
  • There was a bit of confusion at Ace Hardware this morning.

    When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to Fox News about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

    When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

    I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

    -- Posted by fxpwt on Sat, Jan 25, 2014, at 6:59 PM
  • Jenny Craig for Men

    I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

    The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

    On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. As promised. I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.

    The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

    Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. As promised. So I decide to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

    "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."

    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... You're mine."

    I lost 63 pounds that week.

    Signed, Skinny Phil

    -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Sat, Jan 25, 2014, at 10:37 PM
  • -- Posted by rocknroll on Sun, Jan 26, 2014, at 7:11 PM
  • A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

    The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce . The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some ******* wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to & find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

    Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

    'Canada , sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but w****s and hockey players up there.'

    'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

    'No ****?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

    -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Tue, Jan 28, 2014, at 2:18 PM
  • My mom made a real fuss when I got out of prison, which I didn't mind.

    But I think the inflatable doughnut on her passenger seat was a bit much.

    -- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Tue, Jan 28, 2014, at 3:54 PM
  • I met an older woman at a club Saturday night. She looked great for a 63 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all. We drank a bit, had a bit of snuggling and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" I asked. She said "It's a mother and daughter threesome." I said, "No, but that sounds like fun!"

    I found myself excitedly thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit more and then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night' and we went to her place. She opened the door, put on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mom, you still awake?"...

    -- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Tue, Jan 28, 2014, at 3:58 PM
  • THE COW, THE ANT, AND THE CRUSTY OLD ****

    A cow, an ant, and an old **** are debating about who is the greatest of the three of them. The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

    The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter. I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

    *

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    Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

    -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Thu, Jan 30, 2014, at 2:41 PM

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