Speak Out: LOOK OUT!! IT'S FUNNY FRIDAY!!!!!!

Replies (21)

• Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.

  "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

  "Probably that I married you for your money."

  -- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Thu, May 19, 2011, at 9:10 AM

• That's funny

  Also funny: It's Thursday! :)

  -- Posted by Old John on Thu, May 19, 2011, at 9:12 AM

• Are we a little confused this morning Regrets? ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺

  -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Thu, May 19, 2011, at 9:15 AM

• I'm going out of town and decided to get an early start on the yhread.

  -- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Thu, May 19, 2011, at 9:19 AM

• Regrets,

  Man does not live by fish alone!

  -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Thu, May 19, 2011, at 9:23 AM

• Regrets left to go fishing on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying and fishing with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

  Finally, Regrets appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, who castigated him for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, she stopped the nagging and said to him, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

  Regrets replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

  Monday went by and he didn't see her. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

  By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Regrets could her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

  Be careful out there.

  -- Posted by Knoblickian on Thu, May 19, 2011, at 9:30 AM

• Good one Knob! I love it when things just fall into place. ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺

  -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Thu, May 19, 2011, at 9:34 AM

• This all sounds fishy to me.

  -- Posted by voyager on Thu, May 19, 2011, at 10:49 AM

• The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Madame Waiver and The Pope, however, have seen it all before.

  To make it a little more interesting, Madame Waiver says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

  He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

  The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make many people in the crowd, and many around the world, go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

  The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and so many people will rejoice forever? Show me."

  So the Pope slapped her.

  -- Posted by Knoblickian on Thu, May 19, 2011, at 11:09 AM

• Meanwhile Harry Reid is asking "Who's that up there with Nancy?"

  -- Posted by Old John on Thu, May 19, 2011, at 11:38 AM

• Soon after take off the pilot got on the speaker and gave the usual welcome and details of the flight. He hung up the microphone but forgot to turn it off and switched on the auto pilot.

  Raring back he told the co-pilot "Think I'll use the restroom then go get intimate with that new stewardess" As this was broadcasting all over the aircraft, the young miss came running down the aisle to tell him to turn off that dang microphone when she heard a little old lady say "no need to hurry honey, he said he was going to the restroom first!"

  -- Posted by Old John on Thu, May 19, 2011, at 11:54 AM

• A dog comes into a bar and limps up to the barstool.

  Bartender says, "Can I help you?"

  Dog says, "Yeah, I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."

  -- Posted by Hawker on Thu, May 19, 2011, at 12:14 PM

• Obama walks into the bar with parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says Cool, where'd he come from? Parrot says, Oh no, let's not start that again!

  -- Posted by Old John on Thu, May 19, 2011, at 12:50 PM

• A plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Iowa.

  Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

  The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

  They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor..

  "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.

  "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

  "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

  "Do you realize that is Air Force One the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

  "Yep."

  "Were there any survivors?"

  "Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

  "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

  "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

  "He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad he lies......

  -- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Sat, May 21, 2011, at 12:08 AM

• Older women are so reasonable.

  AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, '44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

  NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG KING SIZED BED AND A PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

  MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

  AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.

  -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Sat, May 21, 2011, at 10:40 PM

• The modern romance novel

  He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

  "Just relax."

  Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

  I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

  Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .

  "Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

  -- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Sun, May 22, 2011, at 9:37 AM

• As luck would have it - already debunked as false - but still funny, I don't care who you are :-)

  School answering machine - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pwghabw4N80

  -- Posted by fxpwt on Tue, May 24, 2011, at 5:06 PM

• George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to

  hell.

  While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

  The

  devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

  Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is

  finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars,

  so

  Putin writes him a check.

  Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When

  she

  is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million

  dollars, so

  she writes him a check.

  Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he

  is

  finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

  When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush

  got to call the USA so cheaply.

  The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country

  has

  gone to hell, so it's a local call."

  -- Posted by Rick* on Sat, May 28, 2011, at 12:44 AM

• I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 5-year-old

  granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

  She said "It's President's Day!"

  She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was

  waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.

  She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the

  White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of

  unemployment."

  You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...

  -- Posted by Rick* on Sat, May 28, 2011, at 12:46 AM

• The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

  "Goat," the little boy replied.

  "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

  "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "

  -- Posted by Rick* on Sat, May 28, 2011, at 12:52 AM

• Feel like a valedictorian?

  I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00

  I said "May I have large bills, please"

  She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

  When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

  IDIOT SIGHTING

  When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.

  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

  This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

  IDIOT SIGHTING

  We had to have the garage door repaired.

  The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

  He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

  He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

  We haven't used Sears repair since.

  IDIOT SIGHTING

  My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.

  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

  She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

  I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.

  She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

  I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

  The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

  Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

  IDIOT SIGHTING

  I live in a semi rural area.

  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office

  to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

  The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!

  I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

  From Kingman , KS

  IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

  My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

  -- From Kansas City

  IDIOT SIGHTING

  I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

  'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

  To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

  He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

  Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

  IDIOT SIGHTING

  The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.

  I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

  She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

  Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

  She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

  IDIOT SIGHTING

  At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'

  our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

  Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

  This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

  IDIOT SIGHTING

  I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself

  and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

  A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

  IDIOT SIGHTING

  How would you pronounce this child's name?

  "Le-a"

  Leah?? NO

  Lee - A?? NOPE

  Lay - a?? NO

  Lei?? Guess Again.

  This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.

  Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

  It's pronounced "Ledasha".

  When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

  SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

  If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

  STAY ALERT!

  They walk among us.

  AND THEY VOTE

  -- Posted by Rick* on Sat, May 28, 2011, at 9:43 AM