All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examaination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found superhuman strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room. He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellows in here just before you.."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest....."
Goog one. I heard it years ago but it is still funny. The only difference I heard was it was a refrigerator.
Naw Howdy, this came off the internet so it has to be correct. Definitely a cedar chest. ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺
I always remembered there being a cigar involved...
a cigar ?...kinky !
A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, she is greeted by Saint Peter with ceremony and honor, and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses while her place is being prepared for her.
She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with the Holy Mother Mary, if this were possible. Peter agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the firmament.
He knocks softly. There's a murmured reply from within. He opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter. Within, sitting in a plain chair, is a middle-aged woman in the garb of the first century, engrossed in her knitting.
The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks up from her knitting and indicates it's OK to ask questions.
"Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the Mother of G-d, you--a simple woman, I know--but if you could, please, just give me an inkling of what it felt like when IT happened, when the Lord Jesus was born?"
With a distant look in her eyes and a wrenching sigh, Mary replied, "Vell,....Ich hob takkeh gevolt a maydel."
For the Yiddish-impaired:
"Well, I was really hoping for a girl."
I didn't know you were Jewish. I couldn't translate that. ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺
Wheels: If it came off the internet, then there could be no question as to it's authenticity.
Yeah Howdy, I determined Lincoln was still alive by what I what I was reading off the internet yesterday.
As I recall, the version I heard had the man coming home and finding the wife in bed and a cigar smouldering in the ashtray. He looks out the window and sees a man by the building entrance smoking a cigar. Enraged he pushes the cedar chest/refrigerator/wardrobe out the window and onto the man smoking the cigar, suffering a heart attack/stroke in the process.
Of course, the real scoundrel is always hiding, naked, in the cedar chest/refrigerator/wardrobe.
Still a funny story, no matter how it fits. I think the cigar was added when Clinton was in office, to keep it current with the times...
Nope Not Jewish Have wheels but I did receive this in an email from my sister in-laws husband who is Jewish or at least he was raised Jewish.
Not sure he practices the faith. Yiddish is indeed foreign to me as it is most of us. I thought it was worth posting anyway.
Just pulling your chain a little. One of my best friends is Jewish. You ought to hear some of our conversations.
And Wolf, if you received it in an e-mail, it has to be correct.
all of my jokes will get me banned :(
OK Smoke, I know it;'s going to be hard, but it looks like you are going to have to just listen. ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻
Staring into the fire also?????
What a Real Woman Does:
1. A real woman is a man's best friend.
2. She will never stand him up and never let him down.
3. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
4. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
5. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
6. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
7. She will tell him he was the best Karaoke singer in the club
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
I used to be able to drink enough beer to become bullet proof... like superman.
Now I cannot drink enough to leap over the cracks in the sidewalk... not to even mention tall building.
1. A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished
2. A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
3. A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't even know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
4. Then there was a man who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
but by then, it was too late."
5. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
6. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
I have been finished for some 19,571 days, 3 hours and 7 minutes, give or take a couple of minutes.
You must have married a winner Wheels. Congratulations.
Guess I have to agree... just in case she reads this, otherwise it might be the last you hear of me.
Ok, Ok, I know, it would please some of you no end.
Thanks. ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺
you never really know someone until you marry them
MeLange where is your sense of humor? Those were Henny Youngman jokes which have been around forever. Substitute husband for wife in the joke if it makes you feel better. Are you telling me you have never laughed at a man or husband joke?
I am envious of happily married couples.
But to answer your question twice and both divorces were mostly my fault. And you?
Too old to get a divorce. I might not live long enough to train another one.
Only in Seattle....
The last one is best
Osama Bin Laden
Hide~n~Seek World's Record Holder
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
**********B U L L E T I N****************
Herbal Viagra found in OBL medicine cabinet along with a jar of vasoline with brown streaks in it .
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Why are divorces so expensive? Because there worth it......
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING..
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
PRAYER FOR GRANDPA
Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer.
The new preacher was shaking hands and wishing well at the front door of the church as folks were leaving and a little girl said she was going to bring all of her saved allowance and give it to him. The preacher, quite touched and confused asked why she thought she needed to do that.
"Momma said you're the poorest preacher we've ever had!"
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a "Bin Laden".
The bartender says"what's a Bin Laden"?
Two shots and a splash of water
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
4. Sing Along At The Opera.
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.
6. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
8. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK "WHERE IS THE FITTING ROOM?"
An 86-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his test results come back normal.
The doctor says, " Alvin, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?"
Alvin replies, "God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up
in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof* the light goes on.
When I'm done, *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Alvin's wife.
"Marianne, he says, Alvin is doing fine but I had to call you because
I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * the light goes on in the bathroom,
and when he's done, *poof* the light goes off?"
"OH MY GOD!" Marianne exclaims.
"He's peeing in the refrigerator again!!!!"
TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.
HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID, "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church ,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
the Presbyterian Church
called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer
and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be
there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and
drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were
twice as many there the next week
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in
a position to harm any of God's creation.. So, they humanely trapped the
Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the
squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic Church
came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the
squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,
but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen
a squirrel on the property since.
* Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.
* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they're sexy.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.
* The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!
* Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
* I scream the same way, whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.
* Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
* You're never too old to learn something stupid.
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