When the new wears off your love

Editor's note: Michael Seabaugh will be on vacation next week. His HealthSpan column will return on Sept. 16.

"When the new wears off of our love, we'll be closer together, still loving each other." Or so promise the Whites in their quaint song.

Can we count on that? Or is it a given that the longer we stay in relationships, the duller they become?

For those of you in long-standing relationships, time to give yourself a quiz: Are you and your mate: a) dancing in the dark on a regular basis, b) merely enduring or c) hopeless.

If you didn't answer "a", maybe you are among the many who, after years of grinding disappointments, have become immune to your life mate or worse: cynical, bitter or hopeless.

Here are three well-traveled roads to relationship perdition: 1. When an "attractor" becomes a "detractor."

What most attracted you to your spouse in the beginning? Almost invariably, it is the thing that is driving you crazy about that person now. The man who was valued for his stability and good values is now "boring." The woman who was a turn-on because of her liveliness now needs "too much."

Couples must reconnect to that which brought them together. Stop assuming who you are with. Open your eyes; look and wonder. 2. Narcissistic erosion.

Invariably, long-term, worn-out couples will complain about feeling ignored, disrespected, not valued. A lot of this can be attributed to the demands of life. Our attentions shift to the increasingly complex demands of life like kids, work, bills. And then, there is the waning of attraction.

We all look to our significant others as the primary source for our narcissistic goodies: attention, affirmation, acknowledgment. It was once easy to acknowledge what was special about your mate on those many enchanted evenings of yore. You just need to start paying attention to paying attention. 3. Entitlement to quality.

The Japanese carmakers discovered that one way to ensure new customers and keep them is to provide extra perks. Wash the car when you service it, for example. Trouble is, customers started feeling entitled to the washed car and when it wasn't there, they got upset. Bringing that idea home, if you wash your wife's car, she will love you and reward you for it. Soon, she will expect you to do that for her and when you flake out on the chore, guess what will happen?

So do what the Japanese did to increase market share: Offer new perks and follow through. Then enjoy the feedback loop created by your generosity.

Remember how naturally skillful you were at engaging the relationship in the beginning? Now refocus those critical relationship-building skills: curiosity, attention, generosity.

And, by the way, this is all good for increasing your healthspan. Not only has it been proven that staying in a long-term relationship keeps you healthier longer, but curiosity is also one of the cardinal traits of healthy long-lifers. Also, feeling important to someone will increase the longevity odds for your mate.

One last thing: Remember humor? That is the quality that most departs stale long-term relationships. Let none of us forget the wonderful humor that is possible in the familiar.

Dr. Michael O.L. Seabaugh is a Cape Girardeau native who is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 20 years experience helping individuals and couples with their emotional and relationship issues. He has a private practice in Santa Barbara and Santa Monica, Calif. Contact him at mseabaugh@semissourian.com.