Tips for coping with an empty nest

Cooking breakfast and watching sports.

Many individuals may consider these to be common activities. But for newly empty-nest mother Tammy Rowland these two activities are the things she aches for the most.

Rowland, a Charleston, Mo., resident and mother of two, recently became an empty-nester in August when her eldest son left to attend New York University tax law program and her youngest son began his freshman year at the University of Mississippi.

"It's just a weird feeling," Rowland said. "When you have kids in school, you're identified. When they leave, you lose that identity, and you have to try to find it again."

Diana Harold, a licensed clinical social worker with Ken Callis Ph.D. and Associates in Cape Girardeau, said parents need to understand that feelings of loss or sadness are normal, and they should not overreact at having those feelings. The key to coping with the feelings, Harold said, is for parents to begin preparing for it before it happens.

"Parents need to separate themselves from their children and develop different interests," Harold said.

Like Rowland, many new empty-nest parents are struggling to regain their lost identity. Here are some tips and ideas to help parents cope with the feelings that come along with an empty nest.

Do the things you enjoy

With the extra time parents gain from their children leaving home, Harold said reinvesting in a hobby is an excellent coping mechanism. While every individual's interests may differ, Harold said parents should focus on what it is they enjoy in life.

Dave LeDure, treasurer of the River Valley Carvers Club, said he started his wood-carving hobby after his wife bought him his first carving set.

"I always did wood working," LeDure said. "Wood carving just kind of developed out of it."

LeDure said he enjoys the diversity within the River Valley Carvers Club.

"It's a way to meet people," he said. "You meet a diverse group of people with a common interest."

Wood carving is not an expensive hobby to get into, LeDure said. But if you have a good knife the club will supply tools as needed.

"It's a very relaxing hobby," he said. "It's good for you health wise, and it's a hobby that develops patience."

LeDure said his favorite aspect of his hobby is "taking a piece of wood and seeing it come to life."

Harold said that athletic hobbies are great for parents to explore, and typically, parents find that it is more helpful and rewarding to physically take care of themselves.

Become an entrepreneur

Nancy Moreton, a resident of Cape Girardeau and an empty-nest mother of two, combined her passions for photography, flowers, dresses and wedding cake with her hobby of playing her flute at wedding ceremonies and ran with them. She began a new business, Weddings by Nancy, serving as a wedding planner and coordinator.

"Because of my exposure to [weddings] at an early age and the fact I have been lucky enough to attend quite a few, it has just increased my passion for them, not burned me out," Moreton said.

She said keeping her time occupied was her main tactic for coping with the loneliness of an empty-nest.

"I was a stay-at-home mom until our daughter left for college, so I really had to reinvent my life and come up with things to do," she said. "Starting a business might not be for everyone, but it is important to find fulfilling ways to spend your days."

Moreton said her advice to friends who are about to have an empty-nest is to find something to fill their time.

"You just have to start thinking about your life in a different way and there are so many good things about that," she said.

Moreton said her favorite aspect of her new business is getting to know the bride and groom and their families and taking away as much stress with the planning process for them as possible.

"No two weddings are ever alike, and I love seeing how the couples bring their own passions into their wedding ceremonies and receptions," she said. "I find that I just can't get enough of it, which means I have found my niche."

Make a change

Julie Connel, an interior designer with Rust and Martin in Cape Girardeau, recommends parents redecorate rooms in their house to overcome the lonely feelings of an empty-nest.

"Once kids are out of the house, parents can focus on what they want," Connel said. "They can buy the things they were holding out on because they were scared of it being messy or destroyed."

Cora Sue Stallings, an independent interior designer from Charleston, said decorating can be easy and simple. Parents should remember the key to good decorating is to create a contrast within every room, like painting darker walls in a room with a light floor and vice versa. Otherwise, she said, the walls and floors will blend together.

Contrast "makes it a lot more cozy, warm and interesting," she said.

Another important aspect to decorating, Stallings said, is to have an eye-catching focal point in each room. She suggests things such as hanging a painting or a picture over a sofa or decorating a fire mantel by doing a grouping using things like candlesticks or big, red apples.

"Decorating is like accessorizing your clothing," Stallings said. "You have your basic outfit, like your house, and then you add belts and jewelry, like pillows and candlesticks."

Stallings said her favorite aspect of decorating is visualizing in her mind what something will look like and then completing that look.

"I just thrive on it," she said. "It makes me feel so good to create something new and different."

Offer help to others

Harold said people who perform volunteer work or move in the direction of helping others find it helps them cope with their feelings of loss.

"There are studies that show that what people link to happiness is giving," she said. "People that do that are shown to be happier."

Dale Humphries, the board president of Cape Area Habitat for Humanity and an empty-nested mother of two, said she became involved with Habitat for Humanity about 15 years ago. Since retiring from her full-time job and becoming an empty-nester, she now has more time to give to volunteer work.

"When you're raising kids you are busy helping them with their activities," she said. "Being part of an organization like Habitat still gives you a good feeling of helping others realize their dreams, not totally unlike being a parent in many ways."

Humphries said she has always felt giving back was important, and she hopes she has modeled that for her sons.

Rowland said she has also considered volunteering at a local nursing home to occupy spare time she will have in the future.

"I am trying to think of things that will make people happy," she said.

Harold said ultimately it takes a balance of parents being aware of their feelings and their willingness to begin moving on with their lives to overcome the loneliness of an empty-nest.

"If they seek out support, and they take care of themselves and their relationships, then they will move through [empty-nest syndrome] pretty well," she said.