The rules of having girlfriends

Apparently, it's time for a refresher course on maintaining female friendships.

It's not always easy. Women -- while far and away the superior gender when it comes to relationships, multitasking and handling illness -- can be an emotional lot. We're tuned in to every infraction of the friendship code.

As such, some behaviors simply are bad form and should be avoided at all costs. I recently visited Leah, one of the coolest chicks in my life, and we aired some of the positives and negatives of girlfriends and came up with a few commandments.

1. Thou Shalt Not Dump Your Girlfriend in Favor of a Man.

A couple of weekends ago, I was out with a friend we'll call Alice N. on Friday. She asked me to meet her for drinks on Saturday.

Go out two nights in a row? I hadn't done that in roughly a decade. But, hey, I wanted to be a sport.

The next day, even though the previous evening's partying left me with a just a touch of fibromyalgia, I took great pains with my hair, put on plenty of shimmery eye makeup and pulled on my disco pants. I called Alice.

"Hey, girl!" I said. (Yes, I am still working that tired "girl" thing.) "Where are we meeting up?"

There was a pause.

"Ummm, maybe some other time," she replied. "I'm really wiped, and my boyfriend wants to catch a movie."

Holy guacamole! I was treated like a stalker, rejected for an outing I didn't even want to go on and, finally, dissed in favor of a man. Refusing to waste a good face full of makeup, I went into the office looking like a street walker and then bonded with my TV.

2. Thou Shalt Not Compare Your Relationship to Your Girlfriend's.

Women generally are a very supportive bunch. When things go wrong, you're going to want to search out the ladies in your life. Compare the responses of my female and male friends a few years ago when I didn't get a promotion:

FEMALE: "Heidi, you are a smart, talented, strong woman with great things in your future. It's too bad your boss can't see that. That just means you're going to be available for the next great opportunity that presents itself to you."

MALE: "Whoa. That sucks."

But some women also can be very competitive, especially when it comes to relationships with men. As such, you have to be extremely careful with whom you share the intimate details of your romantic life. Leah's favorite example is the woman who told her, "My boyfriend managed to say three little words to me last night after three months together that yours hasn't managed to say in a year."

I'm getting skunked in a husband competition right now, but you've got to wonder about a wife who can't find any fault with her man. It's just too weird.

3. Thou Shalt Keep Thy Mouth Shut About An Inappropriate Boyfriend/Husband.

There's a caveat to this: If you see your friend's man in CrimeStoppers, tell her. Otherwise, if you just think the guy is "all wrong" for her, back off. After he's ignored her for a week, or refused to pick up the tab for the eighth time, or stood her up in favor of going to a sporting event, or had an affair, she'll see it. And then it's time for ...

4. Thou Shalt Be There With A Decent Bottle of Wine and A Pack of Cigarettes As Needed.

Yes, you both quit a couple years ago, but now is no time to quibble about lung cancer. At any time, even if it is 6 a.m., you should be willing to split a bottle of wine with your girlfriend who has just ended a bad relationship. And even if you always hated the guy, you can't say, "I always hated that guy," because they might be together again next week, and you might be going through this whole thing again soon.

Heidi Hall is managing editor of the Southeast Missourian.