Support groups may offer comfort, education to those affected by illness, loss

An unexpected illness or medical condition can turn an individual's world upside down.

Whether it's cancer, Alzheimer's disease or a sudden loss, it's invariably a stressful situation and, in many circumstances, individuals other than the person diagnosed are significantly affected, as well. Loved ones often share the caregiving burden and all the stresses that accompany it, and after a loss, they're often left shaken.

Glenda Zink lost her husband, Jim, to Alzheimer's disease a little more than two years ago after being his caretaker for six years.

"In the very beginning, dealing with these issues, I felt so alone," she said. "Like I wasn't like anyone else."

She said one of the most frustrating aspects of having a loved one with a terminal illness is that it can be alienating, even among other family members.

"It sounds so ridiculous, sounds so silly to have to show your husband where the bedroom is because he can't find it," she said. "Unfortunately, even family might tend to brush things off. They can't really understand."

So she started attending Carol Dippold's caregivers' support group through Lutheran Family and Children's Services. There, she realized that some of the issues she was dealing with were common.

"Other people start to share the same problems," she said. "All of a sudden, it doesn't sound silly at all."

Julie Metzger, director of case management and social services at Southeast Hospital, has worked with grief support groups for more than 20 years and says a good support group is an invaluable tool to help cope with a loss or illness.

"As a participant, when you're going through a life-changing event or the loss of a loved one, it helps to surround yourself with people who have walked that journey," she said.

She says much of the time, it's the seemingly inconsequential advice that can be the most heartening.

"People can tell you what chemo is like and how to deal with that, but sometimes, it's 'What's a good place to purchase a wig?'" she said. "That kind of thing can help you feel normal. They can be your rock, but a good support group should have that component of emotional support and really put a focus on tips and education."

Carol Dippold says some of the types of stresses that accumulate in certain circumstances can only be adequately exorcised among people who have a certain degree of firsthand understanding.

"It's kind of like a balloon that gets filled up with air," she said. "It gets fuller and fuller until they burst. They get filled up with stress, and the way they get to let off that stress and confusion and pressure is by seeing the similarities and differences of what they have to face."

While surrounding yourself with people who have walked the journey provides a reassuring model for success and hope, Metzger says that eventually people have the opportunity to help others whose hurts may be fresher.

"People at first can help you to feel normal, they can be your rock," she says. "But it's great when, if you're a little further along than someone, you can help them."

Dippold says that probably the hardest step for most people is making the decision to attend a group.

"In fact, I have had some people prefer not to call it a support group because people tend to see that negatively," she explains. "I don't mind what terminology they use; educational meetings or something else to that effect, as long as they're getting what they need to get out of it."

Metzger says because the coping process is highly individualized, it's important for an individual to take the time to find a support group that works for their particular needs.

"Look at the provider," she said. "Is the group offered by a church? Hospital? There are some people who might not be as comfortable in a church setting as they would be in a hospital setting and vice versa."

Pat Renner cares for her husband, who has Alzheimer's, and attends a support group for caregivers, but also started her own more specialized group for those whose spouses are the ones with the diagnosis.

"The situation is entirely different between, say, a child caring for an aging parent and caring for your spouse," she said. "[The latter] is much harder. You've lost your partner, your mate, your lover; you've lost everything, so I felt as if we needed a more specialized group."

But even if a group seems perfectly suited to your needs, Metzger also warns people who are facing exhaustive treatment, illness or fatigue to not overcommit to a group either.

"It's important to know how long sessions last and take that into consideration," she said. "I might not want to commit to a three or four-hour session if I'm already physically or emotionally depleted."

The other big component of a good support group, Metzger said, is direction. It's important to have an effective facilitator to propel conversation and keep sessions constructive.

"You really hope the big goal of a group is to normalize the experience," she said. "that way you gain strength so that the individuals of the group can find a new normal."

Zink encourages anyone dealing with illness or stressful situations to give support groups a shot, even just once.

"Even if you don't plan on going back, even if you're not sure it's what you need," she said. "You might find out that it is."

tgraef@semissourian.com