STRANGER THAN FICTION: WITH TWO CATS IN THE YARD, LIFE CAN BE HARD

With kittens named after chocolate syrup and fun movie characters, how can we go wrong?

Even with her little Alex rounding out the Terrible Twos and turning three, my best friend, Lynn, is sold on having children.

I've watched her change thousands of diapers, clean hundreds of Cheerios out of her car's back seat and fill countless bottles and "tippy cups." Today, she is unable to sit down and eat a meal like normal folks.

First, Lynn cuts up all the food on her plate and blows on it. Then Alex takes a bite, Lynn takes a bite, Alex takes a bite.

But she is absolutely CRAZY about motherhood. While we were back in Missouri, Lynn cornered us on the whole parenting issue.

"You're 27, Heidi," she said. "Now is the time to have a child, while you're still young and energetic. My life is so enriched by Alex. He brought a love and joy to my life that a childless person couldn't understand."

Barren, The Other Half and I drove home to Florida quietly.

"Why don't we have a child?" I asked.

"They're messy," Mr. Half replied.

And that was that.

Actually, I realize how tough it would be to have a kid and still be effective at my current job. By my estimation, I could spend 2.5 hours nightly with my son or daughter, counting the time it took to get him/her fed, bathed and "pajamaed."

Still, Lynn hit a nerve with her little speech. I longed to hold a tiny life in my arms. I yearned to look down into a pair of sweet little eyes and feel a transcending devotion. I needed to hear the pitter-patter of little feet in my house.

There was only one thing to do, and Mr. Half and I did it right away.

We journeyed to one of the local animal shelters and picked out two kittens, a sister and brother.

I was burned long ago by my last venture into the world of pets. Scarred for life by bearing the same name as a popular birth-control device, my former cat, Ramses, turned bitter and cruel. Actually, I was thinking of the Egyptian pharaoh when I named Ramses, but he didn't know that. He retaliated by bitting my guests and me every chance he got.

I thought it best to stop moving him from home to home and finally gave him to a stable friend with a large house and a psychology degree. She's helping Ramses find his identity and come to terms with himself, I heard.

Mr. Half and I thought long and hard before naming the first pets we've adopted as a married couple. I picked the name Romy for one of the heroines of "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion," a great flick you should see if you haven't, by the way.

Mr. Half picked Bosco for the chocolate syrup and the little-known race car driver.

Now we're getting a real taste of parenthood. The "kids" came down with respiratory infection right off the bat and started producing unexpected quantities of kitty snot, which meant a trip to the vet, twice-daily medication and lots of nose-wiping.

They also prefer to stand in the middle of the food while dining. After a big meal, they take their fish-smelling paws and climb on chairs, blankets and Mommy and Daddy.

But that's the down side. There's an up side, too. Romy and Bosco provide endless entertainment, and they got me a great gift for Mother's Day.

I'm not sure what to do with 10 pounds of catnip, but it's the thought that counts.

~Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who now resides in Pensacola, Fla.