STRANGER THAN FICTION: WEDDING AND GRADUATION SEASON CREATES PARTY POOPERS

* Whose idea was it to make late spring the big gift season?

(Editor's note: This column originally appeared in the Southeast Missourian on May 29, 1996.)

Don't ask me for any money. I gave at the office. And at home. And at other people's homes.

'Tis the season that makes Christmas spending look paltry by comparison. Mailboxes fill with wedding and graduation invitations from people who don't necessarily want you to share in their weddings or graduations.

So why not make the messages more honest?

Here's the kind of speech one finds in a wedding invitation:

"Mr. and Mrs. Harold Q. Schnurbush request the pleasure of your attendance at the wedding of their daughter Gertrude Hildegarde to Mr. Clarence Z. Vandivort at The Chapel of the Eternal Light..."

Yadda, yadda, yadda. And don't forget to sign and return the little R.S.V.P. card.

Here's the translation:

"Our family has known yours for years and sure would appreciate a nice gift cash would be perfect. After all, we DID send your child a nice crystal serving dish when she married that idiot two years ago. Aren't they divorced now?

"The thing is, Clarence insisted on inviting all his trashy relatives from the hills, and we're wondering if we can fit 500 people in a reception hall built for 300. So, if you could just send the gift, that'd be great. Thanks."

Isn't the second version much easier to understand? Maybe the lovely couple could mention where they're registered right on the wedding invitation so you could go out and buy them some crystal iced tea glasses.

Of course, by their three-month anniversary, the bride and groom will serve iced tea in plastic Hardee's cups, BUT THEY'LL OWN THAT CRYSTAL, DAMMIT!

Lynn is one friend who completely understands the whole invitation concept and is willing to accept it for what it is. I was talking with her mother one day and was asked for my address.

"After all," Lynn's mom said, "my son sent you an invitation last year, and I didn't want you to feel bad when my daughter didn't."

"Why would NOT having to write a check make her feel bad?" Lynn asked.

Her mother went white. This is why Lynn is my best friend.

Of course, I want to give the children I've seen grow up a gift when they make it out of high school. That's quite an accomplishment these days. And I want to give my friends something nice on their wedding days, even if I can't afford much.

Which brings me to my friend Susan's wedding, which was ideal. Sunny day, outdoor wedding, free bar open until the wee hours, a white boy playing funky music, bride dying to leave so she can begin her honeymoon but not wanting to appear rude.

While wedding receptions aren't usually my cup of tea, this one was great. I had a couple adult beverages and then danced with a guy named George to "I Like Big Butts" by Sir Mix-A-Lot.

So best of luck to Susan and her new hubby, Dale. Anybody who can throw a party like that deserves a lifetime of happiness.

Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who now lives in Fort Lauderdale, Fla.